u/BeautifullyHealin

What is going on???

Some say you're a coward if you "run away from life".

Some say you're really strong if you choose to stay.

But would it take an immense amount of strength to even go through with killing myself? It's not as easy as eating pills or slicing yourself.

It takes absolute guts to stand on top of a building and jump knowing you're going to die once you hit the bottom. The thing stopping me from doing it is not wanting that to be the last thing I see and being legit scared to jump.

I feel like a coward either way. Staying alive to endure more pain doesn't seem "heroic" to me at all. It feels like I'm pushing through something that's already "over".

I wish it was legal to just swing on any adult you wanted to for one day. You just weren't allowed to murder them.

I don't want to be on TV. I don't want to be on TV for fighting at that. But I want to fight people who piss me off in public. I wish I was allowed to unleash my rage. I wish I was allowed to swing on someone if they tried me and I wish that little level of emotional control was publicly acceptable for society.

I have so much rage. I have been through so much. I have deep problems. I suppress it or just take it out in the gym. It helps but I still go through shit where I stop and think..."nah it's not worth jail time" and just walk away when I wish I could of swung.

I'm glad I'm emotionally mature and realize how destructive the baddies behavior is but I still wish I was allowed to do it.

I'm not calling for violence or saying the world should be more violent. I just have issues and wanna fight people that piss me off that's all. That's the post. Don't report it , I'm just trying to be real, I'm not going to hurt anyone I promise 😭😭😭😭

Every time I post about the pain and grief about not having my kids live with me, I get no replies. If I open up about it on instagram or twitter, I get no replies or acknowledgement.

People must think I lost custody of my children(I have custody of both my kids) or I was bad mom or something so they never have anything to say.

I try to talk about it because I feel so isolated and alone. I don't know any moms who basically had to give up both their kids at 2 years old due to financial issues.

Nobody can relate to my pain so do I just stop talking about it and let it consume me and kill me? Yes I am in therapy. Yes, I talk to my therapist about it. It is not enough.

Whether it's in therapy or with loved ones.

I have been open about suicidal thoughts for almost 15 years now. I have been telling everyone about them, why I feel that way, the ways I want to do it, etc.

I have been involuntary taken to the psych ed 5 times due to harming myself or trying to kill myself or planning to kill myself.

I am quite exhausted. I feel like I just scare or anger or repeal people from me.

One of my ex friends even said to me if I was really serious about killing myself, I would if done it by now so it's probably frustration of if I'll ever do it and how my loved ones would have to deal with it.

As I type this now, I still feel like I will end up taking my own life one day..I know ultimately nobody can stop me so I probably should just stop telling ppl about it including my therapist.

It just feels like a drag. I don't even have the energy to explain it anymore and I know ppl can't truly do anything about it to stop it or to stop me from doing it.

Me openly being kind, going out of my way to be friendly, try to offer support to others, is not a sign that my intelligence is low but why do other people treat me this way??

People will take you for a shmuck if you are "too nice of a person". They see it as weakness or that you're naive and it's insane!!!

I am being nice so that you can also treat me nice and we can all feel nice and we can avoid any conflict. Wtf

And I don't do it for it in return at all! If you cant muster up niceness and want to ignore me, that's fine!! Everyone has bad/down days and I get it..but don't treat me like I'm stupid for choosing to be nice to others. Don't treat me like you got a lick on me just because I let my guard down and act nice towards you.

Little do you know I am actually a CPTSD sufferer, who is super into being hypervilgilant and being nice helps me avoid framing everyone around me as a threat and prevents me from lashing out on people who didn't do anything to me. I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt till I can't