u/Beautiful_Witness748

Honestly as I’ve gotten older and been in therapy for years, I feel like I’ve gotten more control over my BPD and just am way more aware than before.

But I think in general (partly from lots of trauma and just experience in the world) I’m a really good person for lack of a better way to explain it. I sort of fall in line with being a mom friend, hyper aware of how I come off to people I care about, very helpful in distressing situations compared to a lot of people I know. I care so much about everyone and want people to feel comfortable and seen and loved. Idk, I grew up with having to know how to handle things and lock in or I would be gone already.

But anyways all this to say,

When I have an episode, or a really bad period of time with my BPD, I am so the opposite of all my good traits. I genuinely feel like I look like dr Jekyll and mr Hyde. The people who have been around me the longest and most I feel less.. judged I guess. Like they know how I can be sometimes and it isn’t surprising. But with friends I’ve only had a few years and only hang out every month or so I genuinely feel like some monster. It makes it really easy for me to shut down and just think that no one understands me, people are incapable of understanding who I am or how I feel so how could they choose to want to be around me when they only appreciate the good aspects of my personality. But realistically it’s really unfair to be upset that someone likes me for the parts I like about myself, too. But I find myself wishing that they knew how bad I feel or how much I’ve worked to not be like I used to be all the time. Idk where I’m going with this, but I just wanted to let it out and see if anyone else feels similar