I didn't realise I was missing a will to live. Now that I know - things are easier
TW: Suicide / sensitive topic
24M. Struggled to be consistent with exercise, sleep, eating food, work... At some point I just accepted it: I gamed as much as I wanted every day, chased short term pleasures because I couldn't be consistent with long term pleasures (like hobbies) anyway. Every second month I would "turn my life around" just to fail shortly after... I felt shame so many times that in the end I learned it was pointless to feel shame when the result (failing) was the expected result every time. I tried looking for answers, got diagnosed with ADHD, tried medication, meditation, training, running, todo-lists, journaling... It was all just shallow attempts to solve my underlying issue: I didn't have a fundamental motivation to live.
Sometimes I was fully aware of this, depressed and suicidal. However most of the time I wasn't even thinking of suicidal ideation - I could be happy, have motivation to do things and be consistent with food or exercise or sleep for a few days/weeks at a time. In those periods, I still failed to see that I didn't have a motivation to live. I see now that obsessions, projects, games etc. can all mask the missing piece.
I recently started therapy where I learned about the CBT diamond: our experiences are mediated through thoughts, body sensations, feelings and actions. These four aspects of our experience all affect each other. The way you feel may change the way you think, the way you act can change the way you feel and so on. Your "activation pattern" across these aspects of experience - your immediate thoughts, feelings, sensations or actions - are usually instinctual. For example, when I thought of work, I instantly felt overwhelmed and sensed a weight over my shoulders. From what I understood, CBT is about uncovering your unique "activation pattern" - understanding how you instinctively react to situations across these aspects.
Yesterday I realised I'm actually way more in control of how I react across thoughts and feelings than I thought. My thought process was this: It's not technically *physically* impossible for me to react with excitement when I think of work. There exists a person in the world that could swap into my consciousness, be in my exact situation, and feel excitement. So I thought: "How would that feel like?". It wasn't a "fake it to you make it" situation. It felt more like "No matter how I really feel, I can objectively experience excitement at this very moment". It really felt like a choice - like there's nothing *really* stopping you from choosing to react a certain way as long as you're aware of how you normally react habitually and can "step in" before habits take over. This completely changed how I approached every other situation at work yesterday. I was happier and felt more in control.
Finally, today I had another realisation by simply seeing an attractive person in a meeting at work. They were well dressed, looked well rested, professional and had a genuinely kind smile. The vibe I got was one of passion to live: to feel good, achieve their dreams and work steadily *(not hard!)* to get there. That's when it hit me: I want that passion for *life itself* too. Realising this, I instantly felt repelled to the thought of scrolling shorts, feeds, playing games, not eating well etc. That's not passionate living... What's nice is that doing these things can still feel good and can be fun, but I don't think I'll be doing them mindlessly or compulsively anymore. Realising that I want to pursue a passion to live, made me more aware of the compulsive escapism feeling I got when scrolling or gaming, and made it easier to control when to stop.
Anyway, this post was so much longer than I thought it would be. I hope others may draw some inspiration or helpful words out of this post, and I wish you all the very best ❤️