How do I [m29] apologize to my wife [f29] and move past this?
Let me start this out be saying I will not be divorcing my wife. Separation is not only not a solution in this case, but would be detrimental.
My wife (F29) and I (M29) have two beautiful children together. Our second came about half a year ago. So she’s very much going through the trials that come with having a newborn and a toddler.
I’ve been doing my best to support her, but obviously I make mistakes. Often they are very small mistakes, like not putting something in a specific place she wants or forgetting to close a window. Sometimes they are a pattern, like checking the score of a game on my phone or not hearing her properly the first time.
All these things start to build up and lead to her often losing her temper. Now, I’m not perfect. I certainly lose my temper as well sometimes. However, I pride myself in apologizing, recognizing when I’m wrong, accepting that, and moving towards solving whatever I did wrong.
Let me add that my wife is by no means an angry person. We used to say that she tends to react with sadness rather than with anger. So this is all new.
This all came to a head the other night. I’ve tried to tell her that I can’t have her scolding me or yelling at me in front of our toddler because I’m worried he will take that in. I’m her defence, I was doing something that really gets on her nerves. I was punishing our child with timeouts because he was screaming and hitting me. Our version of a timeout is some alone time in his room while I wait just outside the door and check in every 30 seconds to a minute to see if he’s ready to chat. I’ve tried to be in the room for these moments, but that usually upsets him more. Often the only thing that calms him is his mother.
That being said, we rarely default to this. We prefer positive reinforcement. So when I was giving him timeouts, that got her very angry and she came to correct me.
I tried to tell her that I didn’t want to address the problem right now. Que back and forth argument where I started to get more and more defensive and angry. Finally I tried to walk away twice, she chased after me. With our son there, she started getting louder. Then I lost it. I leaned and spoke in that furious whisper yell we all know that I will not have her speaking to me like that in front of our son and that I was sick of it.
She then slammed the door (which neither of us ever do) and we haven’t spoken since.
That night, I tried to reach out and apologized. I said I’m sorry I got so heated and that I loved her. She told me she didn’t want to speak to me.
So I respected her space. I wrote her a letter saying how I felt, taking ownership for losing my temper, and reiterated that I loved her and respected her.
Finally, the next day, after I reached out, she texted me saying that she doesn’t want to speak until we come to an understanding. She apologized for slamming the door and says she needs to work on her temper. But I need to understand her way of parenting and follow. I honestly agree with her way of parenting, it’s just been tough when our son so openly doesn’t listen to me and constantly goes to her. I can’t have him hitting or yelling to solve situations.
That kinda leads into the second issue. I’m a big guy. Big enough that if I lose my temper, it’s an issue. My father, who is also big, taught me very young that losing my temper and god forbid getting physical could result in some serious consequences. I really want to pass that lesson onto my son, hence the harsh consequences of timeouts to kicking and punching.
Either way, I should listen to my wife there.
Lastly, I scared my wife when I leaned in a whisper yelled. I’ve never yelled like that at her. I’ve especially never raised my voice. Like I said, I’m a big guy, and that can be scary. However I still scared her and now I don’t know what to do.
I don’t even know what to do or what advice to even ask for? I set up a counseling session this afternoon to see if there’s something I can do or habit I can change to help be a better partner and father.
Any advice is welcome.
Thank you.