I'm tired of trauma and memory barriers. (tw: trauma)
This is really just me screaming to the void but any advice or anything is welcome.
Recent I've started rembeing trauma that I didn't know I had. I knew we collectively have trauma but I was never the one living through it if that makes sense.
Since I've started remembering I have only gotten a handful of actual useful information. I know like 3 things
a man in their twenties picked/wanted me
I was controlled by a person , but I don't think they where in control. But the way they treated me feels wrong like they where teaching me to hold myself royaly and to speak properly (I think they gave up on writing as I suck at it too this day)
to at least a degree I was pet to someone or multiple I am unsure
Since I've started remembering my moods are out of control and change so quickly. I tend to stay between two. The first is this weird playful pet mood. The second is just me being sad and grumpy but also having a mental breakdown.
I don't know what to do because I can't deal with the moods as I don't know what is causing them especially as I think the weird mood is connected to what I don't currently remember. These moods are hurting the people closest to me because they can't handle the moods and the changes. I hate that it's happening but I can't stop it.
I've tried throwing myself against the barriers to try and get myself to remember more. I know that's probably not healthy but not knowing while it controls my life is killing me.