I (40F) am in a good relationship with my bf (50M) (it's supposed to be open but we just enjoy being monogamous... I don't feel like meeting any new people and neither does he) but I still fantasize about my ex-fuck buddy(47M) because I felt more sexual chemistry with him.
Last time we spoke was abouy 3 years ago and I apparently sent him too many messages (I've been in love with him since I was in my early 20's) and he cut contact with me saying he didn't have space in his life for all that. Since then I've sent like 3 long DMS over the span of 3 years venting on my feelings, not asking for contact. This week a friend's of his called me a creep so I obviously sent him a long email to undo that impression (lol) kinda trying to patch things up. Not sexually but I have to admit deep down I still have intense feelings.
He didn't answer again and I feel so embarrassed. I've blocked him and deleted his contact but I still feel like trash. I can't seem to completely forget him, I've been obsessed with him for literal decades. I'm aware I ignored his lack of consent in being contacted one too many times and so that makes me a bonafide creep.
I never get over anybody or anything. I also obsessed over a previous bf for years after we broke up. It all hurts really bad but I'm lucky I have someone who does love me and wants me in their life. I've never actually stalked them, I don't follow them online or stalk them online and I've never showed up anywhere unannounced but they still think I'm a big creep.
I'm used to hearing about crazier behaviour and I downplayed what I was doing but it had been bothering me already.... when you realize they aren't awnsering and you're just like... so now I'm a creep??? I guess I was in denial so I kept going...?
But this is day 0 of not being a creep I guess. I don't want more therapy, I'm done with therapy. I think I'm pretty ok apart from this. I don't feel intense shame I would when I was deeply depressed. I just wish I could forget all the people who don't love me back. It's also a task to align myself sexually with anyone and I keep fantasizing about this one guy who just knew how to touch me but could never actually love me.
If anyone has any advice on how I can learn how to be a fucking dignified person who respects herself I would be appreciative af.