u/Basic-Drawer8307

So today I weighed in at my new lowest weight. I will not say what that was because I don't see the reason.. but I was already pretty underweight before today, so losing >!another pound!< is not very good, I suppose.

I promised myself that I wouldn't count calories today. I've lost so much weight, I've lost too much weight... I can't take even one more day of eating at a deficit. It won't do me any good, on the contrary it will harm me. That's what I told myself just this morning. But I've already broken that promise. I've counted my calories today again and am kinda planning not going over my calories today either..

I want to scream! Why can't I eat more today? I want to eat more today, I think I SHOULD eat more today, even my ED brain tells me that I deserve to eat a bit more since I've lost so much weight. But it still feels wrong, I still feel EXTREMELY guilty over not weighing the peanut butter that I ate on my oats this morning.. and all those strawberries i ate that I didn't weigh..

There's still room in my calories for an okay dinner - maybe I should keep it light today too. But I told myself that I would eat more today and not count. So what the hell do I do? I wish someone could tell me what to do. I can't take this anymore😭

Btw, there's a chance I might go out with friends tonight. They're going to eat dessert of some sort. Soooo... do I join them in eating something fun? Can, or should I let myself do that?? I should be able to, after all I'm at a new lw. But it just still feels SO wrong, I still think I should go over my calories by like 100 at maximum. God, I feel like I'm going insane!!!!

I had dinner like 2 hours ago and weighed myself just now and I weigh >!2kg!<​more than what I did yesterday morning.. my weight never ever fluctuates that much from morning to night so I'm extremely nervous to see what I'll weigh tomorrow morning, in like 10 hours or so. 10 hours is absolutely not enough time to even out this big of a difference... I thought I was stronger than this but I'm actively shaking and bawling my eyes out rn as im typing this. I can't deal with this right now, I haven't seen a number this big in over 2 months and I have no idea how to handle this, I just wanna disappear at this point. I didn't even overeat today, I stayed well within my calorie allowance or whatever but ig I should have just not eaten anything. How can I ever trust food again when even eating small amounts of it betrays me like this? I feel so alone and helpless, I'm so scared of food and of myself and there's no way for me to escape either of the two.