I’m not sure when my spiral into being an awful human started, but that’s what I have became… I’m a liar, an addict, and a cheater. I can kind of pinpoint this change happening around when my father died and my mother fell into alcoholism.
I have cheated on every boyfriend I’ve ever had. I don’t even want to but I keep doing it. I get drunk, cheat, and then wake up and hate myself. I lie about not drinking, about who I’m with, and what I’ve been doing.
I love my partner with my whole heart… part of me thinks I do this because I’m so insecure and feel like I need validation at all times… when I don’t get validation, I seek it elsewhere. I hate myself so deeply and turn to alcohol to make myself feel human. I want to be free from this. I want to enjoy my life with my partner and family without the weight of guilt, shame, and self-hatred. I can’t imagine a life without drinking, though, as it’s the only thing that gives me peace. I’m not an addict in the sense of I drink everyday or need to, but I binge drink when I do decide to drink and end up hurting everyone I care about.
Please help me be better. Is there even hope at this point? I don’t feel worthy of love… and to be honest, I’m probably not.