u/Barbecuequeen23

Hi there,
My (27F) fiance (30M) and I have been together for a little under a year and a half. We own a beautiful home together and were planning on eloping, then family wanted to pay for a wedding, now doesn't seem like that's happening so back to elopement we go. We had a beautiful and loving relationship and for the past few months things went South, I don't even know what's happening. I don't want to get too deep into how amazing things once were as it wouldn't really help to explain here.

When we moved into the house we had two incomes- he works a good finance job making about 125k per year, and I worked in social work making 50k. The work for me was very dangerous, draining, and my clients were starting to become really violent. He stated he could take care of me if I left, and while I was hesitant, I made the decision to quit after I had a violent encounter with a client and knew it was time to go.

One thing I want to mention is the house is about an hour from my fiance's office, and we had initially chosen this spot with my old job in mind since we worked in different counties. Adjusting from a 15 minute commute to an hour each way was hard for him, and when I first left my job he came home everyday in an angry mood because of it. He would yell at me, tell me I never try to do anything, and made me feel so bad. I spent my time home trying so hard to be good for him, making him meals every night and leaving the house clean. He also decided to get a puppy during this time, and while I didn't want a puppy her and I bonded heavily. I also want to mention that even though he was paying the mortgage and utilities, I was paying for my car and groceries and was worried about my savings going down. Eventually we combined and it made things easier since I didn't have to use savings anymore.

About 3 months later, he put in a referral for me at his company and I ended up landing a job there. Problem is, I'm in a different office that's an additional 30 minutes further than his. This totals a minimum 3 hour commute per day. I was really nervous to start but thought maybe he'd stop being mean to me if I got a job again. The dog was also being left alone a lot more and her behavior has been terrible. She's only 5 lbs, but literally cries the entire day except for when my mom comes to pet-sit her for an hour or two each day.

Within a few days of me starting he told me he hated this arrangement and that he wanted me to quit. I told him we need the money (I make 55k, not much but still) and he started becoming agitated that I'd imply he can't take care of me when he can pay all the bills. What really got me agitated is that I still do all the household chores, and that I didn't even want a dog and then bonded so heavily with her, to now never get to see her. I wake up at 5 am every day, empty the dishwasher, feed the dog, then get ready for work. We commute together, leave at 7, get home between 7 and 7:30 pm. He goes to the gym and I stay back with the dog. I can't even go to the gym anymore he will guilt me for leaving her and the dog hates me now except for on the weekends.

I shower, cook dinner, and fall asleep- usually crying. My boss is also a lot stricter than his as I'm in a lower position. For example, I was 5 minutes late once due to traffic, called in advance, and got written up. She's even criticized me for using the bathroom too frequently (I have kidney disease) so I had to give her accommodation paperwork filled out from my doctor to shut her up. I'm very irritable at home, if I drive by myself that day (fiance gets to occasionally work from home) I cry the whole way home. I do so much laundry and cleaning, life doesn't even feel real.

All my fiance and I do is fight where he tells me to quit and I say no I'm not blowing through my savings to pay my car. He says if I'm worried about insurance we need to get married at the courthouse next week. We are like roommates, barely ever sex anymore, last weekend I slept in the guest room I was so tired of fighting over this. He says I'm choosing work over my family but I'm scared to struggle financially. I told him I can't quit, I'm scared he'll do what he did before, come home every day berating me about job applications.

Another thing, he never defends me. I'm a different ethnicity than him and last weekend his sister was on the phone and made a racist joke about my ethnicity. She didn't know I could hear her. He didn't even correct her. I went to bed without saying a word to him. He also kept making fat jokes and recently stopped after I told him I'm down to 99 pounds now, since I'm too depressed to eat much anymore.
How do we overcome these issues? Thank you.

TLDR: I started a new job with a very long commute, now my partner and I are barely home and when we are home we are just arguing because he thinks me quitting my job is for the best.