Im sorry this is long I need to get this off my chest
I'm 20F and had a best friend, lets call her Emma of 8 years from school. Im a social butterfly I usually have a lot of friends, but something thats very important to me is that I dont differentiate btn them and try to give equal attention to all. Thats been my whole life. Emma and I quicky became friends and turned into besties 8 years ago because there was this undeniable connection and willingness to be there for each other despite all odds. She was better than me in almost everything but she always supported and encouraged me allll the time. As kids we would chat all day, during school breaks i would quickly eat my lunch so I could go spend some time w her, wait 20 -30mins after school before going home and I have always been more than grateful for this friendship. Even when I changed school she was one of the only people I stayed in touch with because this was a friendship for life. This was COVID era when everyone was distant but somehow I felt all the more closer to her. Then she shifted cities and we were still strong af. To give an insight of how our conversations looked like, every small or big occasion she would send big paragraphs that would melt my heart. If I was down she would be there for me, celebrated my small wins and always made me feel so lucky that I have her. I remember once she sent a huge paragraph saying how grateful she was to have me because she was in a similar bad situation and I was there. I looked fwd to her coming back in town just so we could spend some time together. I remember she has given me the tightest of hugs anyone ever did. So far we've been more than good friends almost like soul sisters. She had gifted me handwritten cards books because she knows how much I love writing, Id given her our photoframe and bunch of stuff as a token of love.
The greatest irony is that I had to bleed my heart with utmost grief over losing her in the book that she gifted me. Why? good question. I dont know.
In 2025 the year started as usual, I was personally in a horrible mental state over the loss of another friend (absolutely gut wrenching btw) and also stuck with college responsibilities and exams. But I knew we hadnt caught up in a long time other than just good mornings. I mentioned multiple times that I missed her a lot and when was she going to come back. For the first time she responded weirdly?? that she was not coming anytime soon. I was like okay maybe a call or something would do. The answers to my texts started to get fewer and eventually i had to wait 2-3 weeks before she said, "Im sorry your chat got locked" Im like ???? how is that even possible?! Said something like her phone 'glitches a lot' and etc
A few days later I called her, she didnt pick up. She called me back I didnt pick up. I remember having an exam next day and thinking Ill call her tomorrow. I even dropped a text joking about this passing parcel situation. No response. I remember somewhere around mid june I was on my way to a temple and I said im gonna pray for you and she said thank you stay safe. This was a perfectly normal response from her because she always did that.
As usual I dropped good morning texts everyday and genuinely didnt have time to realise she had not been responding. Now im a big believer of optimism and that she would come back as and whenever she is free. Because thats what we always did. Few days turned into weeks and months to a point where Im definitely concerned. The thought of is she mad at me didnt even come up because if she did, she wouldve told me so. Thats the kind of person Emma is. So im just hoping shes okay trying to justify myself that she has competitive exams and I shouldnt 'bother' her. Eventually the silence was long enugh for me to raise my concerns. I was evidently getting in a worse state mentally because I had just come out from a friendship loss, this looked like it was next. My coping mechanism is writing so i have multiple entries of just trying to back and remember which one of my stepping stones did I go wrong? I called her several times hoping shed pick up, texting Im sorry for things I dont even know Ive done. I always thought if she comes back tomorrow I will not bring this up immediately and just carry on because for me our bond mattered so much more than my ego. I was absolutely willing to go all in.
Eventually it had been a couple months, I was busy with a festival work that kept me distracted but as soon as that was over, it haunted me everyday that my bestfriend is not talking to me. I felt SO SO SO guilty because if she was in a hard time, I couldn't even be there to support her. With a lot of contemplation I asked her sister how she is and to not mention Im asking about her. To which I was reassured that she had been working and gets really tired but shes alright. It was a huge relief because atleast she's okay. But how hard is it to drop that as a text? I even thought what if my chat is locked again but then how do I get an explaination about the missed calls. Anyways Ema just doesnt want to talk to anyone. Or so I thought. Until I met another mutual friend Lily who said she talks to her almost everyday. Infact they met recently when she had come back to town. The land beneath my feet tore apart. I broke down there and told her the whole situation. She assured me that she would try to investigate the matter. This happened around the worst time possible when my sem ends were approaching. She came back and didnt even care to tell me? She would always tell me before boarding and landing any flight. This whole behaviour was just beyond me. I woke up everyday with the weight of the fact that I have lost another golden friendship under my eyes. It wasnt any sooner when it affected my academics when I had a panic attack and I just couldnt stop crying a day before my exams. believe me I haven't even cried this much while missing my dead father. I would constantly write about what hurts more, someone who's dead? Or someone who's dead to you?
eventually I talked about this to a bunch of friends, kept myself balancing on a tightrope. I absolutely broke down like a baby infront of my college therapist, she told me you need to move on but how?? HOW DO YOU JUST MOVE ON from your BESTFRIEND? I even asked another friend of Emma if shes okay and apparently Emma told her that she doesnt wanna talk about me because I hadn't been "investing" enough in our friendship. Sounded like a total BS to me. I subconsciously had a deadline. "If she doesnt come back before my birthday/doesnt wish me, she's really really gone" After a few months it was my first birthday without getting a huuuuge paragraph of how much she loves me at exact midnight. I wasnt surprised but I hadnt mentally accepted it either.
After 6 whole months of complete silence week later. I got that huge paragraph I was expecting. It started off with a lot of compliments that Im so happy to see you grow eventually "Im sorry for being silent for so long ik youve been busy but Im going through changes and Im starting to priotitize boundaries something I havent done especially in our friendship" "I don tthink we can continue our conversations my intention was never to hurt you I justb thought it was better to say things instead of leaving this unclear" I tried my best to not let her know that Id asked her friends how she was doing, to which she id really appreciate if you stop that so that my friends arent concerned about me. Bunch of other things and finally "i dont have any hard feelings and I dont wish anything negative for you"
I just cannot. This whole thing raises all the more questions to me because the first thing struck to me was this wasnt her. And I was right, this wasnt her. Ive spent enough time with AI to pick up that language and I think I know my bestfriends style since 8 years to immediately catch this was AI. I even put it on detector only to get 78% AI. Im a writer, this was probably the WORST way to end things with me. Also how can you write so much and nothing about WHY, why me? what did I even do? And she doesnt want her friends be "concerned" but what about me? I have literally BEGGED her to just... come back. I wrote back another paragraph because I dont think she understood what levels of pain I had to go through. I dont think that worked on her anyway, and its just astonishing because she was thmost empathetic and communicative person I knew. I ended by saying something like if you ever want to start over I wouldnt even think twice.
Its been 5 months since that and I do not stand by it anymore. I still randomly breakdown reminiscing the good times and I still sometimes wake up with things to tell her. I wish I'd gotten a better ending than this.