I’ve been in therapy on and off for a good chunk of my life starting as a child for panic attacks and GAD. Therapy improved this so much for me and I thrived in college. I’m now married with kids and a great career/stable life, so I really only have seen someone on and off as a young adult for breakups or life stressors periodically (ie. work, family, infertility and loss in the past).
My question involves a situation several years ago where I was seeing a therapist for relationship challenges and later a breakup. I really clicked with her and we had good rapport. I’m not a high risk client (again really was seeing her for life stressors versus a disorder) and am always very respectful of boundaries, pay my bills, etc. my issue is that my appointments were always sporadic based off her availability and what was going on in my life so my appointments were always at inconsistent times and days… sometimes a couple weeks in a row then not again for 2 weeks. Sometimes in person, sometimes virtual. I had seen her on and off for about 2 years and had missed maybe 3 appointments in that time period and forgotten a couple which were virtual and I still took the appointment but was maybe in my car driving for example and pulled over to FaceTime her from a parking lot. I was always very apologetic as well. In the few times I outright missed an appointment (like 3 times), I paid for them.
One time I outright missed a virtual appointment because I mixed up the days. I was going through a tough time and when I’m stressed I tend to be scatter brained… misplacing things, forgetting appointments, forgetting my laundry in the wash… that type if thing. When I noticed I had missed her FaceTime, it was a couple days later. Normally she would text to check in and make sure I was okay and see if I needed a break time slot, but she didn’t that time and since a couple days had passed l, I figured I’d address it when we connected next. Fast forward maybe a week or 2, I had a very severe panic attack for the first time in years. I almost went to the hospital which I’ve never done in my life. I texted her asking if she had any appointments that week and she responded “Hi. You missed your appointment with me. Unfortunately I have no availability this week.” Rather than sharing when she was available or asking if I was okay. She then followed up with a text saying “you were scheduled at x day and time but never answered the phone.”
I followed up telling her that I didn’t realize I had missed the call until a couple of days later and that I was having a really hard time (she knows I’m always normally stable and only text about appointments so this was out of the ordinary). She then said she might be able to meet a couple days the following week in the middle of the day.
I eventually met up with her and addressed what was going on. I also brought up that I felt kind of hurt/taken aback by her response to me missing the appointment given that it’s not as common occurrence for me and I told her I was having a hard time which was out of the ordinary for me to share with her via text. She then got defensive and tried to tell me I missed many appointments and she could look through her book to tell me which. Again.. have paid for any I missed and it was missing the point that I was surprised by her response being what it was insta did concern. I’m kind of sensitive and it’s hard for me to bring up something I’m hurt by with someone and I’m always afraid of hurting someone’s feelings so it was a big deal to share it with her. I felt like she had a reprimanding tone and it kind of fractured how comfortable I felt with her. I ended up slowing tapering off appointments and never went back.
Anywho…. If you made it this far, I’m now many years older and have thought of this from time to time. Any idea why she reacted the way she did? Was it justified? Am I in the wrong? I don’t understand fully why she would be upset if she’s getting paid still for the appointment. I’m the one missing out on a therapy appointment and paying out of pocket instead of being charged to insurance. Can someone in the field help me understand?