Writing this at 7 am running on no sleep and I just finished crying so I’m sorry for any mistakes.
I honestly feel like a coward all of the time. Like I’m walking in the skin of a person who isn’t really me. I have tens of personalities yet dont know which one is ME. I hate it and I hate myself. Although I’m riddled with self hatred and negative thoughts, I’m too much of a coward to ever actually act on them. I want to do better, to feel better, to be better for the people around me so so so badly. It’s just so hard to climb out of the hole I dug myself into.
I couldn’t imagine how much pain my death would bring to my loved ones. But also, at the moment, living is so painful. No one knows how bad my depression and anxiety has gotten. No one knows how I truly feel. I’m honestly embarrassing. I’m so young but I have 40 years worth of self hatred on my shoulders all the freaking time. It’s so tiring laughing and smiling everyday around my family. I sometimes feel like just spending days in my room locked up by myself in the dark. I don’t think I even want them to know how I really feel. At the end of the day, they’d never understand. They might blame my age, or even my phone. But it’s honestly none of those things.
My self esteem is at an all time low and it’s my fault. I truly believe I’m helpless. I don’t know what to do anymore. I hate everything, especially school. I hate all the high expectations placed on me. I know deep down I’ll never amount to what people believe I will. It’s honestly beautiful knowing people think I have potential tho. Cause I know I don’t. I used to be such a bright soul. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know why I’m like this. I hate not knowing. I hate living like this, constantly ripping myself apart. It’s sad the amount of times I tell people “well I love myself and I life is good”. Like ew why do I lie like that. It’d be better if I just didn’t say anything at all.
I wish I knew how to be myself. I hate bouncing between different versions of myself that don’t feel whole. Nothing about me feels like it fits. Nothing about me feels real. Im so awkward and making friends is so flipping difficult. I legit only have 2 real friends it’s kinda sad. Especially since lately, they’ve both been pretty busy. I feel like I don’t really have anyone to talk to anymore but myself. But I also just feel like I’m being dramatic and like I’m trying to make everything about me. I hate how my mind is constantly fighting itself. I just wish I could like myself wholeheartedly the way some of my brothers do.
It’s kinda funny cause my mom also has depression and anxiety but anytime I try to bring it up with her she acts like I told her I worship satan. Perks of being Caribbean I guess. I honestly wish I could get a therapist but my mom won’t allow it. She thinks I’d paint her as a villain and they’d call cps. She’s never done anything to warrant me being legally taken away from her so I truly don’t know why she says that. Although she is some of the reason why my mental health is the way it is (Haitian moms are interesting for sure), most of it comes from me just not liking myself.
Kinda feeling embarrassed for typing out all of this. I feel like a total loser lol. I have trouble expressing how I feel and when I do I feel so odd. I think it’s cause of how much I repress how I truly feel but I guess we’ll never know. I can’t lie though, I do feel lighter getting all this out.
Anyways, thanks to whoever read my rant.