u/BananaTree1333

I don't even fucking care anymore. All of this effort, and time, I have put into my life, is being wasted. If I can't even have a slightly stable or good life, then it's all pointless. So I might as well just accept it and give up trying, give up my social life, give up everything I've worked for. First, I feel like I'm not even stable. I am always numb, have thoughts about murdering people, and I don't even dislike the thought, and also, my parents are fucking shit. They neglect me mentally and emotionally. They have for years. They are constantly fighting, and it keeps SOMEHOW getting worse. They were literally just fighting so bad, my mom left my dad on the highway, came home, punched a hole through our window (we can't afford to be replacing this shit), and now she is bleeding all over her hand while she freaks out in anger. They are honestly probably gonna get divorced soon if I'm being realistic.

I am going nowhere, nowhere good at least. I am horribly mentally fucked, my family is poor, my parents are mentally abusive, my parents are probably on the verge of divorcing. I hate every fucking thing about my life.

What the fuck did I do to deserve this shit

I am in 6th grade, but my average level is 9th grade. Because of this, I am not learning anything in class which is causing my scores to drop. I want to be learning something so I can keep having good scores, but if I move grades I will have 0 social life. None. So, I am forced to decide what's more important. School success, or a social life. 2 very important things. I don't know what to do.

I don't know what's happening

Well, it's clearly a bunch of things. It seems like I was fine until when I was 9, I started struggling with depression. Then, it just changed, and became a bunch of other mental health issues. But, not important.

It's many things. First, I think I'm having an existential crisis. I constantly question if the people around me or this world are even real. I also keep experiencing depersonalization.

But now, the worst side of things. First, I keep feeling paranoid. Like something is watching me, or about to kill me, even though there is clearly nothing happening. Or these random horribly unrealistic thoughts. Like I might start randomly having the thought that my mother got possessed, is watching me, and is about to rip my lungs out.

Second, I have these violent thoughts. Like I have very detailed, and graphic thoughts about brutally murdering people around me. And I don't even dislike them. They feel and sound nice. I just had a thought earlier about hurting my friend with a knife (not going into detail).

Third, the very worst part. I keep feeling this numbness. Not depression-numbness. More numb. Nothing feels important. I feel nothing. Someone could be pointing a shotgun at my skull and I wouldn't care. Everything feels meaningless.

Extra, not important stuff: I'm not even an adult yet. I'm just a kid trying to enjoy my childhood, but I'm dealing with this. And don't mention getting help. I have no trusted adult. My parents are literally the last people I could ever talk to, because they just make me feel worse.

So, can anyone explain what's happening?