TW//: Description of assault
A few months ago, I was sexually assaulted, and I haven’t told anyone.
I (20F), let this guy (22?M) I met on T*nder order me a ride to his place thirty minutes out without telling anyone. Things had started off well, we were talking, getting to know each other more, and he asked me what I like in bed. I say I like it rough or something. I was a little tipsy, and I'd only had sex once before, so I was kind of just saying shit. Then we move to his bedroom, and things start to go downhill fast. I ask him if he has a condom and he tells me he doesn’t. He's one of those guys who doesn't believe in condoms... We go back and forth until I concede and agree we can try without a condom even though I KNOW better. But I digress. When he penetrates, it hurts. I think it could just be me, so I try to breathe through it, but I can’t, and I’m honestly not that wet, so I start tapping on him, telling him it hurts. He doesn’t stop. I put some force into my push until he finally pulls out, even though all he does is tell me to change positions and take it because I like it rough. I tell him I changed my mind. I like it firm, not rough. The difference between being held vs. restrained. Not that he cared to listen.
We do this weird dance where I push him off to get him to stop because I'm hurting, I ask to go home, he convinces me to continue, and we change positions, but it still hurts. And by convincing, I mean if I'd put some article of clothing on, he'd tug it off/down enough for some kind of access, and he'd put his hand on my throat and push me towards the bed. He wasn’t strangling me, though, just like, putting again, a guiding amount of pressure on my throat if that makes sense... but this went on for too long until I bugged him enough to order me a ride home. Then I showered, smoked, slept, and pretended like it never happened.
I hate how he violated me though. I think that’s what I want to tell someone the most. That I’m pissed he hurt me, but I'm too ashamed I didn't call anyone for help and waited for him to call me a ride to leave. Does it help to share these things with people close to you? Is it necessary? I don’t know if I’m just scared of disappointing them or if this is an L I need to take and move on from in silence.