u/BadlyPoachedEgg

I'm sort of semi-weight restored after spending the whole of last year in treatment. I'm not recovered at all mentally and every day is a struggle, but I've been trying to at least maintain my weight for the time being. I hate myself and barely shower or change my clothes because I can't bear to look at my body.

Anyway, my period decided to return today for literally no reason after not having it for a while (not sure I can give the numbers here) and I'm absolutely devastated. It has always been a source of distress for me that my body is happy to have periods at a fairly low weight, and because I'm still at a low BMI/underweight and haven't had a period for so long I just sort of imagined it wasn't going to happen. It finally makes sense as to why I've been really craving carbs and breaking out over the last week, and I had no idea why.

I'm so upset, and as a result I've immediately stopped eating again because I can't handle it and want it to go away. I think this has been the biggest trigger, as I can choose not to look at my body and ignore how it looks, but I can't ignore having a period. I feel like I'm just going to end up relapsing again soon, and that I'm not ready for this - it's way too much for me right now.

The last few years have just been me repeatedly relapsing and going in and out of treatment because I can't manage being recovered. There's usually a catalyst that causes me to slip back, and one of my relapses was triggered by the return of my periods so I feel like it's just going to happen again.

I want to call a friend, but I also feel like at this point people have had to put up with my constant misery or dramas and I feel bad, so I feel pretty alone right now as well.

How did any of you deal with this?

I'm sort of semi-weight restored after spending the whole of last year in treatment. I'm not recovered at all mentally and every day is a struggle, but I've been trying to at least maintain my weight for the time being. I hate myself and barely shower or change my clothes because I can't bear to look at my body.

Anyway, after over >!two years!< my period decided to return today for literally no reason and I'm absolutely devastated. It has always been a source of distress for me that my body is happy to have periods at a fairly low weight, and because I'm still at a low BMI/underweight and haven't had a period for so long I just sort of imagined it wasn't going to happen. It finally makes sense as to why I've been really craving carbs and breaking out over the last week, and I had no idea why.

I'm so upset, and as a result I've immediately >!stopped eating again!< because I can't handle it and want it to go away. I think this has been the biggest trigger, as I can choose not to look at my body and ignore how it looks, but I can't ignore having a period. I feel like I'm just going to end up relapsing again soon, and that I'm not ready for this - it's way too much for me right now.

The last few years have just been me repeatedly relapsing and going in and out of treatment because I can't manage being recovered. There's usually a catalyst that causes me to slip back, and one of my relapses was triggered by the return of my periods so I feel like it's just going to happen again.

I want to call a friend, but I also feel like at this point people have had to put up with my constant misery or dramas and I feel bad, so I feel pretty alone right now as well.

How did any of you deal with this?

I saw a post here recently by someone mentioning Shabbos/not being able to use their phone. I was surprised, as I have never seen another orthodox Jew on any of these subs. Just wondered how many else there are here?

I feel like it is particularly isolating and lonely being an orthodox Jew with anorexia. There's a lot of stigma in the community with mental illness, and lots of judgement if you don't fit the mould. Also huge amounts of expectations/policing around female bodies - how we should look, what we should wear - and just how women should behave in general. The only positive is that the requirement to dress modestly and cover up fully means that I can hide under my clothes, and no one thinks anything of me wearing a sweater and black tights in the summer.

The hardest thing for me is the HUGE focus on food. Besides Shabbos happening weekly (and having to constantly navigate/avoid meal invites without saying why or making people suspicious), we also have all the festivals, simchas, and heaps of strict food rules - what to eat, what not to eat, when to eat, when not to eat, how to eat, how not to eat. If the expectation isn't to be eating, then it is probably a fast day - and that obviously brings its own other challenges 😬

Jews love food, so unfortunately even the most understated occasion inexplicably requires some form of communal three-course feast. If you go anywhere, there is an expectation you eat - if you don't you will get pestered, questioned, and side-eyed.

Pesach this year was such a disaster I had to speak to a Rabbi about being allowed my safe-foods, and I felt so resentful and angry that this was even something I had to do. It was humiliating having to do it, and having to literally tell a random person something so deeply personal.

Tbh there's also less safe foods available if you keep strictly kosher, and any you can get hold of are ridiculously expensive.

Having a whole day weekly (or multiple for the chagim) where you can't use your phone or do anything distracting when you're flipping out is a nightmare and I hate it so much. I hate that my only other option is to go to shul and go to meals and see people. I don't want to do any of it.

The extremely family-orientated and close-knit community means that everyone is in each other's pockets, and everyone is watching you - and talking about you. It's hard to hide when you're struggling with food, or looking visibly ill. People will comment on it, or will try and get the gossip out of your friends and family. They will outright say they don't want their children to marry someone mentally ill 🙃 they will get all up in your business and before you know it your friend's mother's co-worker's niece has heard that you clearly have a raging eating disorder. If you go inpatient, EVERYONE finds out - so you had better hope you don't. Everyone passes your name around so they can all pray for you when you are unwell, so the whole entire community knows and it's just awkward. You can never escape it, everyone will always know and the stigma will mark you forever.

I pretty much just stay in most of the time. I am either embarrassed about being seen, or trying to avoid food. I feel like no one understands, and I am sometimes so resentful of G-d that he has made me this way. I am just juggling religious and anorexic rules, and it is exhausting. Sometimes I wonder why I don't feel the urge to stop being religious? Because it seems like a lifestyle that doesn't have a space for me, or doesn't want me at all. I don't fit in, and I'm just existing. Idk, it kind of all feels meaningless but I still want to do it.

My family are good, but I think this has been a huge learning curve for them. I also hold a lot back from them, because tbh I feel bad putting so much on them all the time - like I said, it's so hard to hide in this community that it's impossible to keep a lot private.

On the other side, the ED services don't understand either. When I have had treatment they just haven't seemed to quite get it - they thought that the rules around kashrus were me being difficult and disordered lol. They didn't understand why it's so hard for me to get better when I am under so much social and religious pressure.

Anyone else here on the same page? Do people of other religions also relate to this to some extent? Curious to see how many of us are here?