After a whole month trying DBT skills (can’t count how many times I’ve dumped my head in a bucket full of cold fucking water), intense therapy, I just lost it. I can’t take it anymore at work. It’s been the worst professional experience I’ve ever had. I’m tired of being invalidated, judged, and pressured every single day to work more and more, while never having a proper onboarding process and minimal guidance. After my boss told me I was on a PiP and that I had to perform this month (otherwise they will fire me), I just lost it.
I planned my suicide. I wanted to bleed until I died, figured it was easier than taking a bunch of meds or jumping out of a balcony. I tried to kill myself with a box cutter, found out the worst way that veins are actually very hard to reach.
Now I’m here at the hospital with a hospital gown filling paperwork and thinking what the fuck is going on with my life. I feel I’m making a drama scene (even though all professionals were super helpful and understanding), I feel like maybe I’m “pretending” or “exaggerating”. Even at a hospital bed hospitalized, bills being paid by me, I still feel like a burden to my family, to the doctors, and to my girlfriend. I feel like… I don’t know. Nothing makes sense anymore, and I have no friends to share this with.
I just wanted to be normal. I just wanted to be able to open my laptop at the start of the day and not be in complete panic and anxiety after reading another of my boss’s complaints. Why the fuck can’t I take this? I am hardworking. I got into this company because of my background and reference checks. Am I too sensitive? I have been working for 13 years, since I was 18, and I haven’t felt this way before. How did I fuck up my life this much?