u/Background_Summer975

Hello! I recently moved back to the Pittsburgh area from LA and am looking to make some new friends! I'm around the Canonsburg/Southpointe area. I'm a pretty big homebody but I love movies and television shows, video games, hockey, football, books, museums, crafting, and going to cons. I would love to find some people that would be up for going places around town or to some games, so feel free to message me if you're interested!

(I'm also a lesbian, so gay friends very much needed!)

Lately I've (29F) been grieving so hard for my grandparents who have been gone for 10 and 5 years now, respectively. I can't get through a single day without bawling over them. For context, they were more like my second parents than grandparents. They lived across the street, and I spent a massive part of my life with them.

My grandpa was my best friend in the entire world. I'm the youngest in my family, and was always the black sheep that would get picked on by my older cousins a lot. My grandpa was the only one that truly got me, always communicated on my level, and loved me beyond anything. My grandma was the exact same way, and I always felt more true love from them than my own parents a lot of the time. My grandpa would always call me to talk about last night's hockey game, he would pick me up from school when I didn't want to ride the bus, he would joke with and tease me, he would comfort and calm me down when I would get in fights with my mom, and he would do absolutely anything for me.

He died extremely unexpectedly in 2016, right before I graduated high school. The night before, me and my mom were at my grandparents house, and we got into one of our aforementioned fights. I was so angry I stormed out of the house, ignoring the high five my grandpa tried to give me like he always did when I left. The next morning, my mom woke me up to tell me he died.

His death entirely destroyed me. I went into a deep depression, and tried to take my own life my freshman year of college. I got myself to a semi-stable place, and then my grandma got dementia. I watched her slowly become less and less of who she was, and we eventually had to move her into a facility and sell the house I had grew up in. She died in 2021, after a year of Covid restrictions that made it next to impossible to see her.

I don't know if my current anticipatory grief is exacerbating my old grief, but it's making it near unbearable. My dad fought in Vietnam, and developed MS after Agent Orange exposure. This is something I've always known, and from a very young age I always had the fear that he was going to die soon. He's 81, and I truly can't believe he's even made it this long.

Over the past year and a half, he's deteriorated rapidly. He's now in hospice at my parents house, and all I feel is a sense of impending doom that he's going to be gone at any minute too.

Me and my dad have never had an extremely close relationship. I know he loves me more than anything, and I love him, but there was always just a disconnect. Because of the MS, he was never really able to take me anywhere or do any activities with me, and every conversation with him nowadays is always just a lecture about finances and investing.

His mind is starting to slip, and I know it's not going to be long. I can't stop thinking about it and how in a matter of 10 years most of my family will have been decimated. I still have my mom, but she's getting older too, and now I can't help but think about how when she's gone I'm going to be alone. I have aunts and uncles and cousins, but they all have their own families. I'm an only child, and the grief and loneliness is just crushing me right now.

Don't know what I'm looking for with this post. Maybe just to put it somewhere other than my head. Anyway, grief fucking sucks.