Guys, this life can be crazy. I'm going to try and keep the back story as short as possible but it's fricken intense and I might get into it a little bit.
Almost a year and 3 months ago, I was witness to a murder. Not someone random, no. My Fiance of all people. The one person that I loved more than life itself. He was stabbed in front of me, I kept him alive until the ambulance got there. Those moments were brutal. Time stood still and it felt like EMS took forever, we lived in a more rural area (also in a "third world developing country") so it was probably closer to 30-45 minutes but it actually felt like hours. My Fiance was declared dead in the hospital after several failed attempts at resus.
Safe to say that I was mentally and emotionally destroyed. Support arrived a almost immediately and I was a wreck. NO ONE could console me, not even my dad. People, when I tell you that it was bad, I really mean it. Knowing what kind of mental state I was in for the days after, I am so glad that I wasn't left alone for very long EVER.
I almost ended it multiple times while driving with friends in the car. I had zero regard for anything or anyone. The only thought I had was "what about my dogs" that was it. That was the only thing that prevented me from following through.
I remember talking to my boss at that stage and telling her that I feel like I have two options. 1. I hang onto this pain and I let it determine the rest of my life. 0r 2. I move past this and live the life I want. She made a very good point by reminding me that I was only 21 and had so much life ahead of me. I went home that night and it dawned on me that I still want to live a life worth living. That I wanted to still experience joy, love, LIFE.
It felt like a switch had flipped in my mind. My mind quickly went over to my logistical problem. My Fiance was the bread winner. I could not afford our home, lifestyle or anything really for that matter. I started looking for places that I could afford. Turns out there was nothing in the area that we were living in. I decided to relocate 10 hours away to be closer to my family and to be in an environment/culture that I was comfortable in (the culture thing wasn't really different but I felt like I needed to be with people that were raised more like me, more "country" if I could put it in a more general term). With my dad's help and the last bit of savings I had I managed to pay first months rent and deposit and move half way across the country. I now needed a job. 19 days after moving into my new place I landed a job as a bartender/waitress. I did not know that, that place and the people that I was working with would end up giving me hope again. It's very rare that you get great co-workers that are seriously awesome. And I feel like it's even more rare to get that when you are in one of the worst mind sets that you could be in. After I eventually got comfortable enough to open up about my story these girls took me in and basically gave me the will to live again. More often that not I end up seeing it in the small things. They would call me and tell me to get dressed because we were going for an ice cream or for fast food sometimes for drinks. They would tell me to drop into work and keep them company on a slow shift. Slowly but surely I started caring again. Caring about my hair, making up my bed every morning, cooking for myself, keeping my flat clean. All these things just started happening. It felt like I took my body off of auto pilot and actually started living intentionally. My parents and my sisters (especially my older sister) also really had a hand in all of this. I also had customers from the bar that probably unintentionally ended up helping me through my journey.
What I want to say is hold onto that tiny little thing that keeps you going. That little thought about my dogs stopped me from losing the life that I have today. The friends that I made after the destruction. The independence I have now after being consumed with thoughts that I wouldn't be able to do it on my own. The new love that I've recently found. the comfort with being my own goofy self again. The dogs that I loved so much still wake me up every morning with kisses and little "awooos". There is so much that i have to live for now, and it's crazy for me to think that just a year ago, I genuinely thought that it wouldn't be possible.
I felt like I had lost everything and I did. I lost the love of my life, I lost the life I was living, I lost the future I had planned, I lost the house I had made into a home, I had to leave the job that felt like a second home. I left with trauma and almost no plan in place.
Today I wouldn't give up what I have for anything. I still miss him. I still love him. I miss what we had. I miss what we would have been. But, that "book" if you will, has ended. Yes, the ending was shitty. Do I regret reading it? No. Do I regret living that story? also no.
One thing I thought about a few months ago was this, if I had been in that story just so that I could be there at the end and just so that he knew in those moments that he was loved then I would do it over and over again. Any day of the week.
Just hold onto that little sliver of hope. That little thing that keeps you from the edge. Even if you have to improve your own situation consciously, just do it when and where you can. if it's small like taking a shower. Or cooking something you enjoy. Eventually it'll start coming naturally. And it's okay if you fail. It's okay to say "I can't do this right now" then you try again another time. It does get better.