So uh
I’ve not really spoken about this to anyone other than my mom and sister and like 1-2 closest of my friends. When I was 11 my 16 year old cousin touched me inappropriately while I was asleep at our uncles place. Obviously I woke up and pushed him aside as hard as I could and ran to my mom. And I was traumatised. Since then I don’t think I’ve really been able to completely engage myself with my other cousins. I was always awkward and trying to avoid him because he would always be there. I felt bad that I was subtly excluded and never given importance. Not really their fault since they don’t know what happened. So I never felt like a part of the family whenever I hung out with them.
I am 19 now and I only have 2 cousins who are my age. Recently in a wedding I got close to the cousins my age and I was having the time of my life. I loved every bit of it. I got the attention I always craved for. And we all had inside jokes and stuff and this was the first time I ever experienced this. But obviously he came in the picture and since he wasn’t the one trying to avoid me, I always had to keep my distance. This meant that I just couldn’t interact with the cousins anymore. And at this point of time it doesn’t even look like he’s trying to get forgiveness and feels like he deliberately is there whenever I go. I started feeling excluded again. My aunt and mom have asked me multiple times to forgive him saying that there really is not point dragging out and it will only create distance. And honestly I’ve felt that distance basically ever since the assault situation happened. But it’s not really fair that it’s me who went through that and it’s again me who seems to be repenting for what he did. And rn it feels like my mom and aunt are trying to indirectly stop making a big deal but honestly I can’t because it wasn’t the SA alone but the after events too. I really don’t know what to do.