u/Background-Roll6386

Hi. So 11/11/24 I had a PROFOUND awakening after a 16 year dark night caused by 10 people dying my first year home after the Marine corps. I endured. I witnessed. I planted seeds and loved so deeply. Deep enough to see the remaining family clearly and spending time with my blind autistic bro, we were both healing. But when I awakened, filled with love and compassion and light and wisdom and clarity and such relief, I was home, I wasn't alone, I was never alone even though it seemed that way.

But my family rejected my love. They sent me to the mental hospital repeatedly because I was singing Christmas carols and texting them about how lived they are. Called the cops on me because I was baking a cake? Just relentless coordinated attacks on me. But I was reborn, I was eminating positivity and love. I was safe. Right? No. I was alone in a Orion takeover. My new stepdad moved my family to his house while I was away and he changed them. Flipped their morals and I spent 16 years trying to remind my family who we are and how we love. But I was losing ground slowly. I didn't know what was happening exactly but one day I remembered I love me for trying even if noone appreciated it or could see me as anything other than an object to be used.

I saw myself clearly finally, who I AM. That I'm the guy willing to go into the dark to find the leaks. The one who would rather live for others than build an empire on earth based on lies and control. But my red and orange and yellow were being drained and I couldn't see it clearly til 11/11. And I was miraculously healed over a few months of journaling and meditating and brutal honesty and calm sincere looking. I was the full rainbow and caught the leprechaun and got the pot of gold and was just so relieved. The divine washed my heart with grace and I fell to my hands and knees sobbing I can't believe I get to help my family. But they didn't want help. They wanted control and to keep me small and they aggressively attacked me and it shattered me inside. My brain melted and heart shattered and root shredded.

I stayed for a year trying to focus on love and forgiveness but I was just dying. I lost the light and resources to sincerely forgive. I was too weak to do it again. So I moved from nj suburbs that I hated to the mountains of VA to be with nature. But now I'm here alone and broken and don't know what to do, where to go, how to spend my time, I don't experience time.

When I awakened I suddenly noticed a series of moles in the shape of a big dipper over my heart. And it made total sense. I was a bear in hibernation for 16nyears collecting light in the darkness. I had SOOOO much love and compassion and empathy. Like other worldly. But it's just Gone. 42 years of dedication and focus on love and devotion to others. And it's just gone and the ladle is broken.

It's been a year and a half since my awakening and attacks. I've lived in the mountains for 2 months. Nothing has changed or healed. I just ruminate and try to understand what I did wrong. I'm so scared of 16 more years of a dark night. Or 42 years of service before I get to go home again. I try to look at everything that happened but I can't tell what I did wrong other than being naive and excited and wanting to inspire and guide my family back to true love. I didn't expect them to hate me so much. And now it's like I try so hard to be honest with myself and I can't find an anchor so I keep floating back and forth. Was I good and overrun by Orion's, just an unfair fight. Are they Orion or just lost travelers. Did I waste my life and ruin my salvation? Did I rebell. Am I Orion and didn't know it my entire life. Am I selfish?

All the wisdom and clarity and love and light that lifted me back up home fractured and I fell beneath it and it's like a kalidescope above me now. I'm so scared to do anything wrong that I'm frozen. Paralyzed from any action. I get all these signs that would have been clear and guidance but it's like I forget the language. I see it, I can't unsee it, but I can't translate it clearly. Like my new cabin is at 133. I keep seeing 133 and 33 and 144 and my dad's birth year everywhere and I can't tell if it's to comfort me or if it's a trap.

I got the pearl of great price, I got the golden apple, heart of flesh, corpus colosaum bridge to heaven, like all the biblical and story book and everything. All the magic. And it's just gone. This is excruciating. And I'm so alone now. Scared of everyone cause my family gutted me when I was most vulnerable and open. I thought they were lost sheep but they were swine that trampled my pearl.

I'm dissociated and confused and scared and numb and lost all meaning and identity and I feel like a ghost. The fall was so devestating. For 16 years I battled and entire family that wanted control and to hide in normalcy and I just wanted to love sincerely and I didn't realize my blind spot was the root I had with my family. I loved them so much. And they poisoned it and it rotted away. Once I saw the emeshment clearly it was such a breath of fresh air. God breathed life into my nostrils.

I'm scared I'm an enemy of everything I ever held sacred. That I failed and the rest of my life is just witnessing the consequences of my errors. I feel like I need a care bear stare or something. Like I don't want to be around anyone cause I feel toxic but to do this all over again alone. Idk that it's possible. I'm tired of being alone. I don't want anything other than harmony and to share life with others. Why have I been forced into such solitude and to be surrounded by so many people that just want control and to make me feel small and powerless and alone.

On 11/11/24 I had a profound awakening, met God, brought thru the cosmos, healed in ways I didn't know was possible, filled with such perfect pure love and compassion. I was free, I was HOME. I have always worshipped love and compassion but this was a different level, effortless and obvious. I can't even explain the overflowing love. It couldn't be contained and I tried to share it with my family and they attacked me repeatedly and sent me to a mental hospital over and over and it broke me inside at my core. Like literally my core turned to dust. I used to identify with love. It was what I lived for. Now I can't listen to any music I ever lived or read or watch anything. All my relationships dissolved.

I have a blind autistic brother that was being neglected and I was spending a lot of time with him and it was so beautiful and healing for both of us. It was divine. I received so much grace. And so did he.

But now I'm so broken. Time doesn't exist. I feel nothing for my family at all. I'm alone completely. My brain melted and heart shattered and my roots were cut off and I feel like a ghost just waiting for this body to die. Like I ruined my life purpose. I don't even feel anything for my brother and it kills me. I love loving him. But I can't fake it. As sincere as I was for the depth of my love for him, there's just nothing now. I used to be so creative and positive and I could see people's pain and empathize and help them because I could look at what they couldn't and I made them feel seen and safe. And now I have no one to do that for me. I sold my house and moved 7 hours away into the mountains to be with nature which I've always wanted but it's like I was supposed to be here healed but instead I'm here like watching a movie or something. I feel nothing. I'm so scared.

Is there somewhere I can go with people that have been thru something similar and can guide me out of darkness? I'm not evil or wish to harm anyone or myself. I'm just dead inside. What have I done. I was miserable seeing so many people not being loving and being too caught up in material stuff and prioritizing meaninglessness over eternal truths. And I suddenly awakened realizing I am the one to live those truths as an example. And they HATED me for it. And it was like a coordinated attack. And they gutted me. Head to toe. I saw the sun for like a week while being attacked and they took my crown, poked out my 3rd eye, stole my voice, shattered my heart, exploded my solar plexus into stars, and shredded my root.

I have been too good and kind and loving to end up like this. I stayed in a area I didn't align with for 16 years to protect my brother and to try to help keep my family afloat after my dad and 9 other people died. And it slowly rotted my root. Then one day I remembered I love me and it's like my root regreew and energy flowed unimpeded. But then like it was ALL taken. All my memories and my purpose and joy and connection. Just all gone. It feels so final.

I'm living alone in the woods and it's so confusing. I was hoping to heal here but it's been months and I'm just scared. I want to be part of a community. I need help being healed and to return to truth. All the wisdom and understanding I had fractured into 1000 pieces. I was betrayed by the very people I loved so deeply that I awakened. I'm 43 and single and I just don't want to die never having truly lived. I was a martyr, taking on others sins and transmuting them. Trying to lead by example. But I was alone in a war zone.

I need a medic of the soul. Someone with light to help relight my pilot light. It has been a year and a half since my awakening and I'm out of the deepest darkness but it's still so dark and lonely. I was born again and my family cut my head off instead of embracing a more mature and loving being that was being delivered. I fear I lost everything I worked for, all the meaning of my life, everything. Just gone. I need real help. Therapist that haven't been reborn can't possibly get it. Anyone that hasn't been truly awakened can't help me.

Is there a place where I can go for like a month to restabilize and reorient. God please help me. All the good I could have done. It feels so final. Like I'm lost in the abyss forever.

I have a big dipper in moles on my chest over my heart. Like a care bear. Tell me, what does this mean. Where is my home. What's the history or whatever of Ursa Major. I was filled with INDESCRIBABLE perfect pure beyond pure love and compassion. But got attacked repeatedly and lost it and it's devestating. Any thoughts. Back to the cave to hibernate I guess.