u/Background-Book-7404

hi there

i'm a pansexual

but this is not about that today

i really hate myself, for a variety of reasons

first off, i'm a fucking apathetic loser. i couldn't care less for anything except for the things i really love, even writing this vent is hard for me because i don't care about it but i know getting some sort of support would benefit me greatly. i feel little to no emotion the majority of the time to the point where i've been called an ai by some of my friends because of said trait. someone could literally brutally kill my closest friends and i would move on in maybe 10 minutes because for some reason, i really just don't care about almost everything and everyone on an emotional level.

on the topic of me being an ai, my whole life i've always been used as a means to an end, because i'm "smart". classmates ask me for answers, it's been a thing since i was very little. i never really had any real friends who didn't do this until recently because everyone i met just wanted me as a tool for their success. i hate it. i don't know why i am this way

i have nothing of my own. every one of my achievements and skills all come from the fact that my grandparents have been teaching me math since i was 1, forcing me to think logically. everything can be attributed to them, as i have found nothing i have cultivated myself and can call my own. i'm just a fucking fraud, and saying i'm not is very dishonest.

my emotional stunting has pissed a lot of people off and possibly hurt a lot more. i genuinely cannot tell whether someone is sarcastic or serious, whether someone is joking or uncomfortable, etc etc. i feel like because of this i might commit some atrocity against someone one day under the assumption that it was not an atrocity but rather a consensual situation (like two kids playfighting). i'd bet money that i will, it seems inevitable

i'm a fucking coward. for the past 10+ years i've lived with my mother (recently moved out), and while i was there she would swing between being a nice person and calling me names, threatening me, destroying my property/forcing me to do so, beating me and my siblings excessively, restricting emotions (you can't feel certain things or she'll be mad), guilt tripping, personal hygiene restriction (showers are weeks-months apart and sometimes you can't brush your teeth for her convenience), and gaslighting. little me should have called cps and i would have been better off, but because of this swing between heaven and hell and because i was afraid of being killed by my mother, i refrained from reaching out in any meaningful way and instead stuck it out like a little fucking shit. i would not be here writing this shit had it not been for little me being too fucking scared to do anything.

i should go bleed out and die in a ditch. i'm not going to, but i probably should.

hello everyone

well, we've made it everyone

how do you like the omen project?

this was a very fun 2 months journey. i think ultimately out of this i became a better systems thinker, even if only slightly. a lot has happened since i started this project, particularly involving school, mental health/trauma, family, etc etc

but i stuck it out

thanks everyone

i love you all for sticking with me on this

if you have any questions, whether it be about the project or stuff that happened during the timeframe, feel free to ask away. i'll try my best to answer everything

sayonara everyone

hello everyone

i finished designing the sound system

it really was very simple compared to something like the video system, since something like that has a lot more moving parts

i'm really proud of all the work we've done to get here, everyone

love you all

ask any questions if you have them :3

github coming soon

goodbye everyone (this was written in a rush)

hello everyone

somehow it took me a while to design this keyboard system, but it's like the most simple shit in existence

i was working using first principles and editing when shit came up, but i'm still surprised as to how simple and easy this system is

also as for the AMEN instruction set, is there anything you guys would like to see in it/think would be necessary? i have 218 free slots, feel free to suggest anything and i'd be happy to add it because this is a cisc instruction set :3

goodbye everyone :3

hello everyone

so i finished the memory model details :D

it was the easiest thing by far, memory is a very simple thing so it's not that much to flesh out

i do really love this project of mine

if you guys have any questions just ask them in this thread!

nothing else to really say

remaining devlogs:

Devlog D - Sound

Devlog E - Keyboard

Devlog F - GitHub

goodbye everyone :3