Okay. First up, I’m almost twenty and have never had sex. Womp womp. Whatever. Obviously I’ll probably have more answers when i do have sex with someone, but for the time being that’s not happening for me, and i want to figure this out a little bit more now lol.
So here’s my situation: I know in the past i have been attracted to women. I’ve gotten off to a video of a woman twerking ffs. I catch myself staring at women’s boobs. watching a video of two women kissing feels sacred and sensual and special, vs watching a man and a woman kiss feels like absolutely nothing— just like boring two people kissing. BUT. Nowadays (like at least the past 5 years), i can’t get off to women, or queer sex. Not for porn, not through reading, not through my imagination. I can recognize it as hot, and as something I want to do, but I’ve only been able to get off to straight porn (and like only hardcore niche stuff too, which is a whole other thing lol).
I’ve never had a real like relationship of beginnings of a relationship with a woman, but I have with a man…and the whole time anytime there was a chance to kiss him my brain was like “NONONO I DONT WANT TO DO THIS NO NO NO STOP”. So that’s like def gotta mean something.
When I have crushes on men they are normally on men who showed interest or were kinda flirty first, and then i get really crazy obsessive and then they get weirded out (valid), and then i continue to have a crush and be delusional for months on end and not leave them alone. Which again…whole other problem. But basically i only have crushes if interest is implied, and then i tend to hyperfixate on crushes that are impossible to achieve. I don’t have any male celeb crushes, i idolize a lot of them but i just want to be friends with them.
The only time I’ve even been turned on IRL by a man was when i was drunk at a club and he was grinding on my butt, but when i turned around and kissed him i lost any interest and it felt like i was kissing a wall.
So like all of this implies that im a lesbian, imo. But i can’t get off to women. Or i haven’t recently. I don’t think. Maybe im getting off to the woman in straight porn but again, it’s still straight porn. Maybe I’ve been like brainwashed into thinking penetration is the only way to pleasure— untrue, but still. Idk. I can’t see myself dating a man. I hate men lol.
So wtf is going on, in everyone’s outsider opinion.