AITA? Should I end the friendship
For context, my friend “Bailey” (F21) and I (M24) got into an argument in our group chat after I picked up a work shift instead of hanging out with everyone. The hangout was planned on May 5th for May 8th, not “over a week in advance” like she later claimed. Around the same time, I had also made comments about disliking my old job, specifically the low hours and poor pay, but Bailey interpreted it as me insulting management even though our mutual friend “Lila” works there as a manager. I felt Bailey was being unnecessarily rude and confrontational, so I messaged her privately afterward to clear the air.
I told her I felt like she was trying to start an argument with me and explained that my comments about the job weren’t directed at Lila or management. I admitted my feelings were hurt and wanted to understand where she was coming from. Bailey responded by saying she feels like I “put myself in situations” that upset me and claimed she was “done with the bullshit.” She also criticized me for how I worded things and brought up how, when my hours at work were cut, I started calling out and that from a management perspective she “would’ve fired me too.” She said I make simple things complicated and that “beating around the bush” frustrates her.
I replied that I didn’t understand what situations I had supposedly created recently or why she was talking to me that way. I reassured her I had never spoken badly about Lila’s management skills and said that even if Bailey didn’t intend to be mean, she was coming across that way. I also admitted I was confused because it felt like there was hidden animosity toward me.
Bailey denied having animosity but listed several examples of issues she had with me. She brought up me talking about my mom potentially kicking me out, saying I make every issue “a BIG ISSUE.” She also referenced an old situation involving her roommate and brother. (For context, Bailey’s brother got drunk, stripped to his underwear, and snuck into her roommate’s room, and the roommate came to me upset about it.) Bailey accused me of secretly holding animosity afterward because I vented to the roommate instead of asking her side. She also complained that I say I miss the friend group but chose work over going strawberry picking with them. Finally, she accused me of making her feel excluded during planning for a beach trip because I suggested everyone should be able to do their own thing instead of following only what Bailey wanted.
At this point, I was overwhelmed, crying, and having an anxiety attack, so I called another friend for advice because I needed support and didn’t know how to handle the situation. I told Bailey afterward that I felt hurt she was bringing up personal issues we had already discussed and supposedly moved past. I said it made me feel like a bad friend and that I needed to step back because my feelings were deeply hurt.
Bailey responded by saying I had asked for examples and she gave them, insisting she wasn’t being hateful or mean. Two days later, after thinking everything over, I sent her a message saying I felt we should pause the friendship for now. I explained that whenever I tried to express hurt feelings to her, I felt dismissed. I specifically said bringing up my living situation and using it as an example against me deeply hurt me. I clarified I wasn’t trying to cause drama and only wanted to establish boundaries.
Bailey responded by saying she had shown our conversation to multiple people and “everyone agreed” with her that she wasn’t rude, just blunt, and that I was blowing the situation out of proportion. I told her I didn’t think involving other people to validate her side was appropriate and that dismissing my feelings as “blowing things out of proportion” made me feel like I was “too much.” I explained that while others may see her words as blunt, they felt rude and hurtful to me. I also pointed out that saying my mom threatening to kick me out wasn’t a “big issue” was extremely upsetting because it actually was a serious situation in my life.
The conversation escalated further when Bailey accused me of wanting “control of the situation” because I wanted to stop discussing it. She also accused me of hypocrisy for saying she shouldn’t involve other people when I had called our mutual friend after the argument. I explained that I called a trusted friend for emotional support while I was having an anxiety attack, not to gather opinions or “pick sides.” Bailey then questioned whether I was even telling the truth about my living situation because I had still been going out on weekends and to bars, saying “everyone thought you were lying.”
At that point, I told her the fact she brought up my living situation again and questioned my honesty confirmed that taking space was the best decision for me. Bailey continued arguing, saying I refused to take accountability, always victimized myself, and didn’t want to admit I was wrong. I reiterated that talking to one trusted friend for support was different from showing conversations to multiple people to prove someone wrong. Finally, I ended the conversation by saying that, for the sake of my own wellbeing, I didn’t think continuing the friendship right now was healthy.
Afterward, the friend I had called that night told me she agreed Bailey had been rude. She also pointed out that people interpret “being blunt” and “being rude” differently, and that Bailey’s delivery could absolutely come across hurtful even if she didn’t personally see it that way.