I keep seeing posts from men saying they felt completely blindsided by a breakup especially when they find out the woman had been thinking about leaving for weeks or months. I do get why that feels like a betrayal. But I don’t think it’s as simple as “she checked out ages ago and didn’t say anything.”
From my side it’s more like a slow internal back and forth. You stay because you love him, you try to talk, you overlook things, you hope things will change or at least meet you halfway. But at the same time your head is quietly clocking everything, patterns, what’s not changing, how you’re actually feeling over time. So it becomes this constant tug of war between head and heart and that can go on for ages.
I don’t think most women are sitting there planning an exit while pretending everything is fine. It’s more like you’re trying not to leave for as long as you possibly can. In my case the feelings didn’t just disappear, they were still there right up until the end. What changed was how much I could tolerate. At some point staying started to feel worse than leaving, like I was going against myself.
And once you hit that point something shifts. You go quieter, you put walls up. Not to punish him but because you’re tired. From the outside I can see how that looks sudden, like a switch flipped but inside it’s usually been building for a long time. And ending it doesn’t suddenly make you fine either, you can know it’s the right thing and still feel awful some days.
I’m also curious about the other side of this though. For men who have ended relationships is it similar? Do you go through that same head vs heart phase or is it different?
And for men who felt blindsided what did it actually feel like from your side?
And women did you go through this kind of slow build before you finally left?