I am selfish
Hi I am 25F. It's my first time writing here. I guess I want to say out loud that I don't love me. I hate myself every day. My family doesn't like me because I am selfish. Friends and my lover also feel the same way. I don't blame them. And I've come to a realization that I am really a selfish person. I realized I don't have any friends. I realized that I treat my partner horribly. I realized I am a damaged person who also damages other people. I've always thought of myself as sweet, loving, caring, and understanding. Turns out I am wrong.
I have a really close friend back in college. She cut me off because I stopped reaching out to her. My excuse is I am also not okay at that time. I tend to isolate myself when I am not okay. She cut me off because she felt angry at me because she is also not okay and I didn't even reach out to her. I feel really guilty about it. Because I really value our friendship. And if I am being honest, I am mad at her too because she didn't reach out to me when I am also not okay. You see, I am really selfish. But I do miss her very much. I still reach out to her from time to time telling her I am proud of her and that I miss her.
I am not a good and kind girlfriend I thought I was. You see, I do things and say things I don't even realize hurts. And I hurt my partner often with my words and actions. I feel really guilty about it every day. And I am so sorry. I really hurt him so badly because I didn't treat him better. And I try to be a better person. I really love him so much. Yes, I am loyal, committed, and loving to him. But turns out, my actions say otherwise. There are times I do inconsiderate things. When he says something or raises a concern, I make it a fight rather than agreeing and understanding where he is coming from. Most of the time when I am angry, I say the meanest and hurtful things. I don't mean it. I am an angry person. And I don't want to lose him. I feel really sorry for him. I ruined him. Every time I say I am sorry, he doesn't believe me anymore. I understand him, I said a lot of sorrys before and yet I still hurt him. My sorrys became useless because it became an apology and then said something horrible and then apologized and said something horrible again. But, I am actively being a better girlfriend than before but I am afraid that any effort to change is nothing because I already damaged him so much he is afraid to believe in me again. But that doesn't scare me because I will keep changing and changing my ways in order to keep him because I love him. I really want to marry him. I feel really guilty for hurting him and I pray everyday that he heals from the painful things I said and did before. I wish we can have a fresh start again. I wish he can feel truly loved by me without the fear of getting hurt again
It's crazy because I really don't have any friends I can message to help me out so I am here. I am utterly alone because I am a selfish person.
TL;DR : I'm a shit girlfriend because I am selfish