all my life i've been jealous of everyone i know. it dosent matter if its a family member a friend, even someone i dont personally know.
its been like this for a very long time but recently i've come to realize that its affecting my relationships negatively. no matter how good of a friend i am with someone, if they are doing better than me, deep down i hate them for it.
got a big house? i hate you.
got a nice car? i hate you.
have more money than me? i hate you.
born to wealth? should have been me.
own a business or work a well paying job? i hate you as well.
have a passion for something? i hate you. even more so if you work at something you love.
very talented at something? i hate you.
youre smarter than me or get accepted into a better college than me? i hate you.
have a girlfriend? you dont deserve it, why cant i find one?
i find something to envy in every single person. i often find myself wishing others will fail for me to feel better. every time i think this way i feel like a total piece of shit. but its devouring my life and i feel like i cant go on like this anymore. i like to think im pretty good at not showing it but i have secret animosity towards almost everybody. it dosent help that pretty much all my friends are more successful than me, so even if i have small successes in my life i immediately feel like a failure because they dont compare to others'.
its not even like my life is all that bad - i think its probably rooted in a deep sense of inferiority i've had from a young age, which is probably also derived from my mom being a single parent and me being money-anxious all the time.
ive wanted to go to therapy for this but i cant really afford it, so the next best thing is a reddit post i guess.
sorry for ranting, had to get it off my chest. has anyone else experienced something like this? how did you get over these types of feelings and thoughts? i doubt they will ever fully go away, but i would like to at least minimize them so i could feel a little happier in my daily life.