Do I have to leave, or change ?
(Sorry if this message sounds a bit awkward—I’m French and wrote it in French before translating it, but I understand English very well)
My partner and I have been together for over four years. We’ve always had an open relationship, and over the past year, as we’ve embraced the libertine lifestyle, we’ve built up our self-confidence, resolved issues with jealousy, and the conversations sparked by this lifestyle have helped us realize just how beneficial and healthy it is for us to talk openly about our other relationships.
This has allowed us to completely let go and experience our other encounters more fully. He discovered he’s polyamorous, and honestly, knowing him well, it doesn’t surprise me. Last August, he met a woman with whom he gradually fell deeply in love.
This has been very beneficial for us; he’s opened up more to me, has been very committed to us, and our relationship has blossomed like never before. He took great care to reassure me and talk to me at every step, because I felt vulnerable even as I wanted to move forward on this path. I worked through a lot of things; I even met my metamour, and much of that effort was based on a concept that felt natural to me: I am his primary partner.
We don’t live together, we aren’t getting married, and we aren’t having children (these are conscious choices), but I am his primary partner, no matter what.
But for him, the paradigm has shifted in recent weeks. She is in a "anarchy relationship" with her partner of over 20 years (even though she is married and lives with him) and expects the same from my partner. He has started to share this vision—not in every detail, but in general terms.
I read *Polysecure* earlier this year, which helped me with certain aspects, but we were still operating within a hierarchical framework, and that suited me.
I no longer feel safe; I feel like my history is being brushed aside, that my emotional security is being undermined by someone who has just arrived and is imposing their view of things. I no longer feel like I can set boundaries to protect myself while we move forward, because they’re moving too fast for me—we’re not on the same page.
I’m having a hard time accepting that four years of emotional investment in a relationship that hasn’t always been easy no longer makes me a priority.
I feel like I have only two choices: end this relationship where we no longer share the same vision, or keep trying while continuing to suffer along the way, knowing that I’m already exhausted and very unsettled by all the effort I’ve put in over the last few months, without knowing if I’m doing it for myself or for them...
I’ve been reading your posts for a long time, and I’d love to hear your insightful perspective.
Thank you 🙏