AITAH my brother is dying and I feel nothing
I have been contemplating making this post for a few years now and there is a lot here so I am just going to start from the beginning.
Me (38 F-) have never felt any sort of familial bond to my older brother (M 50ish).
My Family (5 siblings, two younger brothers, an older sister and my older brother that this post is about, with me right in the middle) have never been an emotionally open or mature bunch.
My older brother has been an awful person since I can remember. Constantly getting into trouble and generally being a perpetual anxiety machine for my parents and by proxy the rest of the family. Not really the best person otherwise (racist, homophobic, you name it). He got brain cancer at 19, which I wouldn't wish on anyone. After a lot of chemo, he went into remission and could live a generally healthy life. He was still just as awful of a person afterwards. The racism and bigotry stayed. When I introduced my BIPOC partner to them, the first thing that my dad said was "oh does she know Hadji?"-she is Indian. They both let out a laugh I had not heard from either of them for so long and of course "its just a joke". My dad has been taking care of him for the last couple of decades as his health has slowly deteriorated. A few months ago he was diagnosed with bone cancer and given 1-1/2 years to live.
For as long as I can remember he has been a source of terror for me. I have not one single good memory of my older brother. He has stolen from me, been physically abusive. He broke my dad's rear windshield, lied and said it was me and caused my dad to call me drunk, screaming that I owe $250. This was a repeated pattern. He would go into our crawl space and disconnect the cable just for my sister. I can't even fit all the things he has done to my sister in here but as awful as he has been to me, he has been so much worse to my sister.
I will pour my heart out to my dad as to why I just ask to be left alone regarding my now dying brother only to get the repeated response "your brother is dying". Now he is in the hospital literally circling deaths door and I find myself still feeling nothing as I have felt for the past few decades. This is a constant source of inner turmoil for me. "my brother is dying and i feel nothing" i have wrestled for years on whether or not my lack of caring is justified or if i am just a bad, selfish person. I will attend his funeral and I will be there for my parents, but I just have nothing else to say to him even while he wastes away in the hospital. I mourned having a good older brother a long time ago. I am already low contact with my family but they all think I am evil for feeling nothing towards his situation.
AITA for wanting nothing to do with my dying brother?