I (F25), have issues with my partners (M28) family. Am I the AH ?
Hey.
So me and my partner have been in a relationship for a couple of years, and have a son together.
I’ll first give you guys a small backstory as it can be the source of it all..
so before me, and my partner got together.
He had a girlfriend whom he had been dating for 1 year, and a half. After 1-2 months into it. She had been diagnosed with cancer, and a brain tumour.
Our relationship started great. We started out as friends, and me getting him out of the house, listening to his stories. (That also included stories about his previous relationship). Everything was fine, we started dating, and getting into a relationship. The first time I met his family i was helping them move to another house. I always thanked them whenever i ended up eating at their place, and thanked them whenever i could sleepover. I tried my best to always pay my respects, and to be polite, and help out. Until I ended up getting pregnant, and we got our own place. He asked my to respond to one of his mothers text messages, and told me how to respond. His mother miss understood him, and started attacking me through her messages to him. Blaming me. (She thought we wouldn’t visit which she misunderstood). I got upset, and got into a small argument with my husband about it. I’ve let it slide, telling myself she didn’t know me that well yet.
Little bit fast forwarded to one of the times we visited.
His mother asked if we would baptise our son, which to I responded that we were gonna leave the choice up to our son when he’s older.. she didn’t take it very well, because she told me that she’ll be mad at me if we wouldn’t do it, and started making arguments about how baptism wouldn’t automatically make our son catholic. Later on, on our ride back home my husband told me that she was joking. But her facial expression, and the way she spoke came off as if she was serious. Anyway. Throughout my pregnancy I felt seen, although she only payed attention to my growing tummy. Now about the parents of my husbands previous girlfriend who died due to her illness.
During our first night at our own place there were arguments between him, and them. They had difficulty in accepting that he had moved on it seemed. (There are a lot of different sides on why they were angry). During their text exchange in messages they called me names. I’ve seen the messages, and it was mostly them being angry, and him not bothering to actively respond. His family remained close with them, and kept trying to push my husband into remaining involved with the parents as well. That’s a little backstory to before it escalated.
I ended up having a difficult, traumatic experience regarding the birth of my son. It was all good, until I noticed how my husbands mother kept talking badly about me behind my back towards my husband, and always blaming me whenever he didn’t feel like visiting his mother. She even went as far as to talk about my family as if they didn’t matter when he told her that we already had plans with my family ( a birthday party). When she invited him last minute to a birthday party of a family member of his.. When my husband dropped me off at my father’s, and his mother texted him asking if I would also be joining him (the very same day when he went to visit them after dropping me off. ), to which he replied no. They started making arguments with him on why I couldn’t visit my father on a different date. Either way. This went on until I’ve had it, and drew boundaries because we had a child to think about. I told my husband to talk with his mother about the disrespect, and bad mouthing she’s been doing behind my back towards him. Because after I’ve given birth, they’ve been treating me as if I’m invisible. Whenever we walk into his mothers home, theyve been taking our son immediately out of our hands, and always looking for my husband to give our son back to, and if he wasn’t in sight she would look for ANYONE else to give our son back to. Everyone except for me, and whenever she had questions (which my husband doesn’t have answers to) regarding our son, she’d always ask my husband. I felt far from seen, let alone seen as the mother of our child. I also told my husband that I didn’t want our son around family that bad mouthing their mother, because who knows she’ll do it around our son when I’m not there as well.. either way I don’t want our son around someone who acts as if they don’t accept me. I’ve always been respectful, and let it slide. I’ve always given her updates about our son, like sending pictures, (pictures with what she bought for him), and whenever he learned something new etc.. But of course she wasn’t all too happy when she heard that he’d be visiting (to talk), without bringing our son. She kept asking for him to bring our son along, and how he’s also his child, not mine alone. It escalated, because she thought it had smth to do with her wanting to talk with him about his previous gf again etc. He told her what’s it about, and she ended up telling him that she couldn’t respect me, because of the mother of his previous gf, and because he had changed. He changed because he has a family of his own now, and has become a father. That’s how it ended. We haven’t seen or talked with his mother since it all went down. He hasn’t been attending his nephews birthdays as well, because his sister always invites his previous gf parents. They even made them godparents of his nephews. Either way. It feels like his family priorities his previous gf parents above me, or him. His brother also confirmed that his mother doesn’t accept me. In my opinion.. people who don’t respect the parents, or accept for that matter. Don’t deserve access to the child. When I told the brother how I didn’t want our son around people who badmouth the parents, (especially our family), and disrespect them. Which to he disagrees, because his response was that it’s on how we raise our child to be, and behave when it happens. And his entire family, including his mom, and my husband himself keep on repeating, and using the excuse of ( she’s just like that, they’re just like that). His mother herself told him that he knows she’s just like that. As if I should accept it, and let it slide because she’s like that. His family also be using his good heart constantly. They always be asking him if he gonna also give money for a present for a family member, and when he can’t because of financial reasons they offer to pay for him and he should pay it back. (While he never gets anything himself). When he text a sibling how their new place is like, they ask if he wanna give money for a present. He only receive messages when they need money.. now another family member asks him monthly to help pay electrical bill. Which cost around 100-140. And text him later on asking if he paid. He didn’t receive the message because I’ve put the person in restricted chats. He’s a good guy, we’ve had a lot of fights because I don’t feel like he defends me toward his family when it comes down to it, and his family knows he’s a push over as well because he doesn’t want fights or drama so he goes along with everything, and give them what they want. Am I the AH to secretly hide the messages etc ? Im just tired of the stress, and his family. We are already financial struggling, and have no stable income. And talking with him ? I feel not taken seriously, because it appears his attention is elsewhere whenever I talk although he says he’s listening but doesn’t response. He’s bad at communicating (at his job too). Like serious conversations is a no. So I feel like taking actions myself. As if i have to protect him against his own family taking advantage of him. And it might make me sound like an Ah, but I also feel hatred against his previous gf, and her family because of how I’m being treated by my husbands family. As if they had smth so magical in 1,5 year which gets them to be forever number one, and I will always be underneath no matter what I do. I’m hurt, and at lost. I can’t even stand how miserable I feel watching his family post their activities and birthday pictures where they always invite that family to which my husband can’t attend because I don’t wanna go and he doesn’t wanna go without me. His own brother threatened him at one point ( to beat him up)because that’s how much they care for the parents of his previous relationship. They all be thinking I’ve changed my husband in worse way possible. Mainly because he doesn’t visit everyday anymore. Any advice ?