Every day is just a past blur, no enjoyment, no happiness, no excitement. Just meh, I'm not even sad. I just feel like crawling up inside myself. I know it's just that I'm depressed, but I don't have antidepressants so this is just my life. Being dissatisfied with myself and my achievements, doing impressive shit just doesn't do anything for me. I find myself just kinda floating through, I'm currently very tired of being single, but not enough to be able to even fake being enthusiastic to women I don't like just to sort of scratch that itch like before, I'm not letting go of my standards. I find it hard to motivate myself. I've been getting less and less work done recently And I hate myself for it. I've started being more active again and going out and doing stuff, like playing board games etc but while I'm happy it's not going out drinking, I also feel more strongly emotionally and I want to go out to some sort of heavy metal event and drink scary levels of alcohol like the good old days, but that's also not a great idea, at least this time I wouldn't be going to a uni event for that where I interact with people I know.
Might be a depressive episode where it's just worse than usual but idk. Ive been not having a good time, I've also had bad thoughts like the good old days.