I am ready to go (Sa mentioned)
I am 16, I shouldn’t feel like this. I want to live, to love life, to give it time like everyone keeps telling me to. I just can’t anymore. It feels like I am a burden to everyone, or like I am mean and harsh. I try to be nice but I never get the tone right. I have ASD and ADHD, so I always feel like an outsider and people seem to always take what I say the wrong way. My parents tell me I can talk to them, that I can rely on them. But they have so much stress, they never seem receptive when I do ask for help. I am under a lot of stress, family, school, friends. I keep fucking up and I don’t know why, I look at all the reasons and come up with only one answer, I am just a fuck-up that would be better gone. I cried about this last night, and admitted to my dad that something is wrong and I am ready to just drop out and give up. He keeps trying to help or give suggestions to help, which of course I appreciate. But I just want him to listen, I want anyone to listen. To just understand that its not just because of my hormones, to understand I have these disabilities and they effect me badly, that I don’t use them as an excuse, I just finally know what makes me feel so different. I want someone to know that I’ve gone through shit, I’m still going through shit, and it wont get better just because I believe it will. Last time I attempted I went for help, this time I dont think I will. My family would be sad, but they would have one less thing to worry about. I have had a good life, privileged of course, yet I got nerfed with trauma and other bullshit that were not always caused by me. I cant think of the word for it, maybe its because I cant think because I always have brain fog that never seems to leave. I have been groomed, and assaulted when I was younger. When it got brought up once my mother said she would never look at me the same way. I tried to tell her about me being R*ped, and she didn‘t believe me. She wanted to call up the guys mother (it was cocsa) and see if I was lying. By then I was afraid it would be turned into a public thing, it had been so long since it happened and I was scared. I think since then I have held a grudge against her, I always feel like I am wearing her daughters skin and I am not actually her daughter. Its hard because I love her so much, but I think my love is what annoys her. I am such a burden to my family, Idk what to do man. It feels like my only way out of anything is dying. At the same time I want someone to save me, but no ones coming. I will reach the bottom of the ocean before anyone even realises im drowning. My friends vary day by day, I don’t think it would effect them all that much. My friend whom I consider my best friend may be a bit upset, but she has a new best friend so I know im replaceable. People at school wouldn’t care. I dont have a partner, my family would be sad but they would move on. At this point the only reason I’m not dead is because there is so much stress in my family I know right now it would hurt them too much. It’s starting to become less of a detterant to me. It’s fucked all of this is so fucked. I’m fucked. I am starting to wonder if I really care if me dying hurts anyone or not, I find myself growing less and less empathetic each day. I cant focus on others and myself. I can’t focus on anything. I used to love writing. Sorry if this doesnt make sense, I just wanted some to share my pain with and understand that im not weak just tired. This is kinda my note lol