Hello. I am going to keep this anonymous as possible, and will gloss over some details.
To start - nobody is in danger, this is not an emergency.
I am a 40+ stay at home parent of 2 neurodivergent kiddos under 10. I live with my spouse and take care of my aging parent who lives with us, though they are mostly independent.
I have had treatment-resistant Major Depressive Disorder since childhood. It runs in my family, and my parent that had it was absolutely crippled by it and it strained our relationship to the point where it was pretty much broken before they died 10 years ago. I've been on and off meds for years, talk therapy, etc. I take self care seriously and exercise 5 days a week, eat healthy and prioritize my creative outlets. I have currently been off meds for a little over a year.
Yesterday was a very bad day. Without getting into it, the kids and I were stuck in the house all day, drama between the kids got too much and I yelled at them (which I never do.) It was ugly. This, among other things, sent me into a spiral which has continued into today. I woke up crying, which happens when I get this way.
I worry that I am just not cut out to be a parent, and that they are my innocent hostages in this. For what it's worth, by all metrics my kids are doing great and I've gotten praise for the way I've parented them. (Especially when it comes to handling my younger's public meltdowns.) But you know how it is, the inner voice says 'They don't know the real me, if they only knew the monster that is in here...'
I don't want them to have this f***** up parent. I want them to have a normal parent. The last thing I want to do is recreate my own experience- growing up with a parent who lashes out and resents their child for not supporting them, and then that child grows into an adult who wants nothing to do with them.
One difference between our experiences is that I try to be very open about my condition. When they were little I told them I had a 'sad brain' and while most of the time I'm fine, sometimes I get sad and it's not their fault, that it's just like any other sickness that I'll get better in time. But being honest doesn't necessarily make it easier or better.
I think I'm genuinely doing my best right now, and I know the fog will clear. But right now it is just so hard.
I don't know what I need to hear right now, just maybe that I'm not alone in feeling this way. Thanks.