So a little background, I (25f) have been on dating apps for a few months now, but nothing ever felt like “it”. Then me and this guy (33m) started talking, and it all felt great. We went from texting a lot to talking over phone a lot and FaceTiming a bit. We both felt this might be it. We were planning a date and were both really excited for it.
Then one day he asked if we could talk. He told me that he still had some feelings for a girl he saw for a short while recently before we met. They had started liking each other but it turned out she had a partner already, so they stopped seeing each other. He wanted to tell me cause he felt it weird to go on a date with me and then think of someone else during it. If I had been just another date then he wouldn’t have cared, but he felt he cared enough for me to think it was important to tell me.
In hindsight I feel like I could have handled the conversation a bit more emotionally mature, being more caring towards his discomfort. Cause I went the path of making it clear it didn’t bother me, I still very much wanted to go on a date. But I did ask “if she became single, what would happen to us” and during the conversation he simply said that if we become exclusive then there’s no question about that.
That question stuck with him tho, we were planning on talking again during the same evening, but it got late, he didn’t call when we planned and eventually I just texted asking how it was going. After a while I got the respons. He texted me he couldn’t do it, he felt confused and couldn’t give me the 100% that he would have wanted if we started dating. I asked him to call me, which he did eventually, and we ended up talking for over an hour.
He told me that the question I asked had stuck with him, and the fact that he felt he didn’t have an actual answer to it made him feel confused. He had come to the conclusion that he wanted to not date for a while, just work on himself, his mental health, and just sort out his thoughts. But maybe, if we both still wanted to when he was “better” then we could try again. He emphasised that he did all this cause he cared for me, but if we did this he would probably hate himself for not being able to give me his all, cause he still had someone else in his mind too.
I get it all, I don’t want to be a reason for him to dislike himself, I don’t want to be a reason he gets even more hurt. But it’s painful, I genuinely like him, and I can’t stop thinking about him. It’s only been a week since we stopped talking, it‘s not a lot when you have a lot to work through in your own head, I know. I want to be respectful towards his needs, and be patient and let him come back in his own time.
But I just want to text him.
I want him to know I’m still here, I still care, I hope he is okay. But rationally I know I shouldn’t, right?
He wants and needs time to himself, and it would make it worse if I butt in every now and then being like ”hiii I’m still here you know”, cause he felt confused and that won‘t help with it. Right?
Would I be an asshole if I actually text him? Even if I do it cause I care