Feels like anhedonia makes getting better impossible
Consistent therapy for 2 years, various medication, and I keep making attempts at getting better in various ways. I technically am mildly more functional in everyday life than I was 2-3 years back, but whenever I make an attempt to push that progess any further... it feels like my negative feelings kick into overdrive right after or just before I get somewhere, and I'm right back where I started. My dopamine receptors are too fried from anhedonia to ever be able to counterbalance that whiplash and I'm at a complete loss on what the fuck to do about any of it.
I don't know how I'm supposed to ever be happy with my body when even just looking up a makeup tutorial or entering an online clothes store fires me up like this, or have healthy connections with other people if right after I stop interacting with them I'll be sick in my stomach from thinking they despise me, regardless of how much I rationalize those feelings away or act counter to them.
Fuck. I'm constantly exhausted with my own bullshit.