u/Away-Accident1904

I’m 29(m) and this week I found out that I used to be abondened at home alone with my sister (1.5year older) at home alone around 0.5 till 4-5 ages… I remember I was waking up midnight but I buried this fear for years with my porn and masturbation addiction… I now started to see it clearly and have still experience some leftovers of this fear. It’s SO unfair to try to live this life with such unfairness because I deserved to be cared, hugged, respected, valued…. I’m really getting angry and feeling resentful to my mom and even I remember I was crying when I was a kid by saying that WHY you have borned me if you don’t like me to my dad especially when he was abusing me physically before he suicided when I was 12 and my mom was being neglectful for his abuses…. Yes, sometimes she was trying to save me but fuck she was having sex with him when my dad gives some attention but when he is not talking to her, she was coming to me, and I have been somewhat like a husband to my mom after my dad’s death and have never experienced that childhood? My mom was chasing my room and was opening the door of my room to stop me from masturbation, etc and she was blaming me and ashaming me when I say talked or looked at any women because she had intense fear of leaving her alone by finding someone - her insecurities as well as her desire to control me and my penis all the time, which I ended up marrying to the women with my mom’s characteristics which I’m separate for 200 days after 4 years of “lie based but still caring” relationship/marriage…

I’m 29(m) have a feeling that my wife was a sl*t before we met and have lied to me being a virgin. It’s so disgusting now to remember after 199days from separation that all the moments we had with her in our 4 years of relationship/marriage is full of lies and everything was FAKE. She always had really well tactics to shift the guilt, shame on me and now remembering those moments extremely triggering for me and I’m feeling ashamed of having that kind of person seeing or being my “WIFE”… I hate our wedding and everything about that days is triggering for me and wanting to go into my addiction. It was betrayal based relationship and I have been vulnerable all the time and she was using my traumas to control me, she had never and ever been satisfied with me, my pen*s, my length, my body, my hobbies, my relationships, and everything else… I know I should take this responsibility and I was also the same person when we met but I’m feeling so disgusted because she was already knowing how to advertise her body and she was really played a good game before we officially signed, she didn’t let me to approach her sexually but then she poured every skill she had and showed now barely coming those memories and she blamed my penis being unable to penetrate even though she wasn’t virgin but blamed me because of not being able to penetrate but then I found out that she has done hymneplasty…. I was aware that she had an intense anger but now can see that this anger was to her ex boyfriend(s) who have lied and taken her virginity by promising the marriage… I’m feeling inadequate, I’m feeling less of a man, insecure and weak, submissive by remembering these but I don’t want to own her lies, her blames, guilts - LIES… she was deeply insecure person but she always played a really well, ughhhh

Hi all, I’m 29 (m). I just want to share that I’m experiencing an intense burnout from my workplace and now I started to clearly see that it’s because of the bullying that I experience (d) in my workplace. I’ve been in a sick leave for the last 3.5 weeks and now feeling so scared to open my laptop because I’ve an intense fear… and worthy to mention that I’m recovering from porn addiction and with recovery I’m clearly seeing the patterns where I have made wrong, brought my suppressed stress to my workplace and others has used my that side to trigger and get reaction from me… I just want to be grateful for the awareness I have today and don’t want to go back to porn now remembering this because those mistakes made me realize what and who I am today, my childhood abondenment, neglect, etc…. It’s part of my recovery and I want to focus on my future because my colleagues probably and definitely should have already forgot about everything but me - since I was out have still these thoughts what others are thinking of me, my long unexpected leave… because I left without completely finishing the project even though there was a tight deadline and now worried what others think of this and whether my project manager or my engineering manager has decided to handover this to other team members which would ruin my mood but I just want to sit with these feelings and try not to get impacted my mood because my work is not my worth and when I took these sick leaves, my only and only intention was to take care of my health and I don’t care much now about my work because it’s not my family where I need to fix etc as I used to think before, I’m grateful that I took these much long sick leaves and when I compare myself with where I started with sick leaves, there were immense changes in my life like for the first time I started to go on nature, bought a new bike, found a new my addiction recovery community where I talk and being heard, accepted, valued and respected which is much more important thing… I’m grateful that I took this sick leaves for my health because in the past I used to work that much intensity but now I’m clearly seeing that people were used to steal my work’s credit and my managers are FINE with it which also gives me that comfort to be grateful for taking care of my health because it’s not good for NOONE and projects can be done in one way or another but main thing is me and my health which will never change or go along with me…. Sorry for my language but it’s quite challenging to write these while keeping my emotional sobriety and I’m grateful to have this space and courage to pour whatever in my mind…

I’m 29(m) and I learnt this Thursday from my mom that with my sister (1.5 years older than me), we were being left at home alone when I was growing up until afternoon and I still carry on the fear, anxiety up until today…

I have married with my former wife because of lack of this love when I was growing up and now in separation after 4 years of relationship/marriage. My thinking always that I don’t understand what does people mean by have girlfriend and I would like to marry directly which I shared with both of my girlfriends I had in my life so far, one of which was my former wife and both were strictly porn addict, had some dad issues - like their dad died at early age, etc…

Since being a porn addict who is recovering, now I can see that now still I’m wanting to date with older women and wanting that control thing which my mom used to provide me like by ashaming me when I look at other girls, or talk to them while I was growing up and she was finger pointing my possible candidates that I can possibly marry from our relatives, etc…

I’m feeling so lonely, scared, betrayed, humiliated, abondened, disappointed, rejected, excluded, let down, hurt, ashamed….

My mom tried to prevent me talking to girls but she normalized me a porn because for me talking to normal girls was ashaming as being taught and then I ended up sexually being abused by my cousin - because I seeked for that unconditional love I missed to receive from my dad (who suicided when I was 12), in addition to my mom..

Now, after 6months being separated, as a porn addict recovering, I’m now coming to see that my wife has betrayed, ridiculed and abused me. We met through religious community and I was expecting to be virgin to her because of being an arranged marriage. However, with sobriety from my addiction I’m witnessing that she faked her virginity and made me feel “inadequate” all the time by commenting like “Oh, I actually like taller man but I’m okay with you as well” or “I actually like a bit older man but I’m sure that you’ll also get older”, etc. and remembering the version of me who has accepted all the abuse as normal makes me now so angry, feeling rage, hurt, rejected, excluded, disrespected, ridiculed, sad.

Anyways, I’m grateful that now I’m processing this because it’s me in my life for the first time knowing that I actually can process this emotions and can get rid of them from me & move forward. I’m grateful for my former wife for her support especially around my childhood sexual abuse trauma and she was the first person who said: “It wasn’t YOUR fault” and even my mom couldn’t say it when I disclosed. I’m grateful that I grew up emotionally because when I read earlier our chat history with my former wife, I felt like she was manipulating or she was responding or changing herself to an exact state I was chatting, etc and was feeling like I have been used but in reality it’s actually everything is related to her and her insecurities because she didn’t have that confidence and consumed my confidence as well but I’m so grateful now I’m recognizing and recovering.

She told me that i was her first boyfriend but I found some papers recently around her hymenoplasty operation from doctor and I’m feeling deeply betrayed because she said to me that I was her first boyfriend and she said when we had our first sex that “I was always wondering about these things and was curious…” F**CKKK but now I can clearly that she was narcissist with full of lies and manipulation and gaslighting…. anyways, it shows her character!!!!