u/AwarenessLucky9114

I am going to let this go. I think I have reached my limit at 34 years old. Lately, discernment has been incredibly beneficial for me.

I guess friendship wasn't in the cards for us. I’m not going to hold onto someone who continues to push and pull. I told you I did not want to put pressure on anything, just to take things day by day or as they come... but you still managed to get scared and run away again.

I’m done pretending these surface-level conversations are enough. This is what you want and I am going to respect your decision. I am not going to wait for you in hopes that we cross paths again. This is where it ends.

I will put my energy towards making a difference in the world and fighting for what is right. I don't need anyone beside me anymore.

Hahaha. I feel so ridiculous and pathetic laying here.

I honestly have to laugh at myself at how ridiculous I’m acting right now. You have consumed my every thought and it was such a short time together. Hahaha, I swear I thought I was too old for this, it feels so juvenile.

You came back first. You confessed. You said you regretted walking away but didn’t know what to do. Then when I became overwhelmed and confused, you RAN AWAY AGAIN OMG.

I’m on a SUBREDDIT NOW! Lmao that’s how much this is bothering me and consuming my every thought.

I’m so mad at you right now.

But at the same time, there’s this toxic side of me that wants to just tell you to come over, idiot.

I’ll pull you in the elevator and we can pick off where we left off. Let’s make things complicated. Because if I’m being completely honest, It would feel so intoxicating and thrilling for that side of us to come undone. If we could spend a summer before school just being freaks, no strings attached. We can talk about the future another time.

Neither one of us are in the position to settle down anyway. Fuck it.

I guess I’m not that mad at you or upset with you . If anything I just make me want you more because I can’t fully have you and I’m sure you feel the same way. Ahhhhhh hahaha. Dumb dumb dumb.

Also, screw you for getting in my head that I’m making this dumb post on Reddit, then again. Maybe that’s part of the thrill. The odds of you seeing this are so slim, but like we said… the universe has its way…

If you do come across this, comment something only I would know and message me your initials.

Hope this finds you.

-M

A fun little test of fate.

Hahaha. I feel so ridiculous and pathetic laying here.

I honestly have to laugh at myself at how ridiculous I’m acting right now. You have consumed my every thought and it was such a short time together. Hahaha, I swear I thought I was too old for this, it feels so juvenile.

You came back first. You confessed. You said you regretted walking away but didn’t know what to do. Then when I became overwhelmed and confused, you RAN AWAY AGAIN OMG.

I’m on a SUBREDDIT NOW! Lmao that’s how much this is bothering me and consuming my every thought.

I’m so mad at you right now.

But at the same time, there’s this toxic side of me that wants to just tell you to come over, idiot.

I’ll pull you in the elevator and we can pick off where we left off. Let’s make things complicated. Because if I’m being completely honest, It would feel so intoxicating and thrilling for that side of us to come undone. If we could spend a summer before school just being freaks, no strings attached. We can talk about the future another time.

Neither one of us are in the position to settle down anyway. Fuck it.

I guess I’m not that mad at you or upset with you . If anything I just make me want you more because I can’t fully have you and I’m sure you feel the same way. Ahhhhhh hahaha. Dumb dumb dumb.

Also, screw you for getting in my head that I’m making this dumb post on Reddit, then again. Maybe that’s part of the thrill. The odds of you seeing this are so slim, but like we said… the universe has its way…

If you do come across this, comment something only I would know and message me your initials.

Hope this finds you.

- M

Hahaha. I feel so ridiculous and pathetic laying here.

I honestly have to laugh at myself at how ridiculous I’m acting right now. You have consumed my every thought and it was such a short time together. Hahaha, I swear I thought I was too old for this, it feels so juvenile.

You came back first. You confessed. You said you regretted walking away but didn’t know what to do. Then when I became overwhelmed and confused, you RAN AWAY AGAIN OMG.

I’m on a SUBREDDIT NOW! Lmao that’s how much this is bothering me and consuming my every thought.

I’m so mad at you right now.

But at the same time, there’s this toxic side of me that wants to just tell you to come over, idiot.

I’ll pull you in the elevator and we can pick off where we left off. Let’s make things complicated. Because if I’m being completely honest, It would feel so intoxicating and thrilling for that side of us to come undone. If we could spend a summer before school just being freaks, no strings attached. We can talk about the future another time.

Neither one of us are in the position to settle down anyway. Fuck it.

I guess I’m not that mad at you or upset with you . If anything I just make me want you more because I can’t fully have you and I’m sure you feel the same way. Ahhhhhh hahaha. Dumb dumb dumb.

Also, screw you for getting in my head that I’m making this dumb post on Reddit, then again. Maybe that’s part of the thrill. The odds of you seeing this are so slim, but like we said… the universe has its way…

If you do come across this, comment something only I would know and message me your initials.

Hope this finds you.

- M

If Only I Could Wait - Bon Iver, Danielle Haim

It really does not matter anymore. I have reached an age and point in my life that as much as I crave to continue the cycle we were in, just to keep you around a little longer - it benefits nobody.

There is truth to “when you let go of someone you love, if it’s meant for you… what’s meant for you, will always find its way back” sure. But, I have reached my limit though and you’re right, I do deserve better. Someone who is not going to run because they are afraid they cannot give me what I need right now. I think the saddest part about it is, you don’t believe you ever will. I have to accept your words, I have to accept that to be true. Even when the universe showed us otherwise. You are more afraid of trying and growing with the possibility of failing, so you decided to take the “easy way out” which is guarantee failure. Neither one of us asked to cross paths at the most crucial point in our lives. The irony of all of this is that we “fucked up” in our 20s so we don’t want to make the same mistakes again. Here we are, still making mistakes except it’s actually losing each other because of fear of losing ourselves or everything we have worked hard for. It’s tragic.

The tragedy isn’t the hypothetical of us failing in our academics, it’s that the fear of failing ourselves pushes us further away from each other. But I’ll heed your words, if you don’t feel you’re ever going to be capable of at some point in time to be what I need, then ok.

I am angry, because I truly believe in my 30ish years of people on this earth, that I have finally met who I am suppose to be with. It feels like a sick joke being played on me.

You were my mirror, but the mirror of everything I loved about myself, everything I appreciated about myself, everything that makes me worth loving - you were the reflection. The reason I was afraid and confused was because I couldn’t trust you would stick around this time and you have no sign that you wanted to or were even going to try. Guess what, you did it again. Which sucks so fucking much because out of anyone I have ever met, you were the one person even in short time I was sure about and could read so clearly. Just so you know, I DO think you are more than capable of being exactly who I deserve, those voices in your head are just echos of a past version of yourself that does not exist. I just need you to believe it and do everything your power to work on it, because giving up on ourselves means giving up on each other, so I guess we are repeating past patterns anyway.

We are not kids, we aren’t teenagers, we aren’t even in our 20s anymore. Giving up is failing and hoping that we find our way back to each other is just letting go of the things we can actually control. I cannot hang on to the potential of people who don’t actually want to do the work or believe they can’t when the whole time before we met was us pushing ourselves and doing it anyway.

Love is scary, but loss is a whole other animal that rips us into two. We both have already grieved people who are no longer here with us. Now we have to grieve each other while we are still alive, I’m sure the people we loved & lost who probably brought us into each other’s path are yelling at us right now. We have two people we loved and lost tattooed in to our skin that when we hold hands, it connects them. You think that is just coincidence?

Fuck you. That’s what I really wanted to say today. Fuck you. Run away. If this is what you really want then leave.

If this is what you really want and you truly believe that you cannot give me what I deserve, then I believe you. I’ll let you go and we can just be like any other sad love story where we lose time together then live in regret.

I don’t want someone who is afraid to love me. I see it all the time, if you really love something and love someone, you try your hardest not to let that love go.

I want someone to show up, even when things get hard. Someone who is willing to work at it and push through. Because THATS what love is. Working through the hard moments together, figuring it out TOGETHER. Growing together.

I cannot not spend another second with someone who says they are in love with me and care about me but want to let me go because they don’t feel worthy enough or capable of holding me. That’s not fair to me. I deserve to feel like I’m someone worth fighting for.

I’ll fight for myself.