I 25F, am with a 40M, we’ve been together for going on four years. I’ve noticed there’s a lot of dislike surrounding age gaps in this sub so I was a little nervous to post but mentally I’ve been exhausted.
I am just so fed up with feeling so hot and cold about this relationship and I don’t know what’s healthy and what’s not anymore. I’ve lost my own sanity somewhere along the years. So anyway, our main problem lately is that I’ve noticed the past 2 years he has made it so rare for us to go on dates or do anything, he says his priorities have changed. It’s been very hard for me to bring it up to him because we always end up in a huge fight. He is leaving his job “soon” (where he makes an insaneeee amount of money and is also getting a huge severance pay) and he’s been using that as an excuse for as long as I can remember because he wants to “focus on building our future and saving up”. Most of his money goes to his ex and their kids anyway, because even though she has a full time job he still pays for literally everything. Apparently this means we can’t even just go to lunch every once in a while or spend time together unless it’s just being in the house. He will want to go to Vegas or our vacation home that we split 50/50 every few months for a weekend but that’s as far as time together goes unless he’s just coming over. We went on a small trip for my birthday with my friends in January and he’s been saying “we went out for your birthday this year in January is that not enough?!” Everytime I ask him to do anything. Mind you I run my own business full time, and I also have parents who extremely financially generous and supportive. My business had a rough patch the past two months due to my health issues, and he keeps using that against me that thats “all I should be worried about” right now.
Anyway, I decided I still want to do things I enjoy even if I have to go alone or with a friend. I stopped doing that for years because everytime I do anything, somehow we end up in a fight and it’s not enjoyable for me at all. I ALWAYS invite him, he never wants to come. So I decided I would plan two things this year, both concerts. One is next week and it’s a very small little festival in our home town, family friendly and I’m going with my girl friend. Again, he was invited but has no interest in that “bullshit”. He has already made so many comments about this little festival and me going. He even made a joke that he can’t wait for me to go so he can get “even”. Then he made a comment about how he’s so happy for me to go somewhere where I’m drunk and dancing around men. It’s made it to the point where I don’t even want to go.
The second thing I planned was a country concert in September with the same girlfriend, in the city. Again, he was invited but no. Originally I wanted to see Morgan wallen in Vegas but due to the fact it was his daughters birthday (which I wasn’t invited to btw because his kids are upset still about him dating anyone but their mom) I “couldn’t “ go. So instead we bought tickets to see a different artist we like here in September. It is literally months away. He has already said “ohhh…well that was our anniversary but it’s okay babe I’ll find something else to do” mind you…we met the day BEFORE that date but apparently it still counts. Also we’ve NEVER celebrated our anniversary because it’s a “touchy” subject because I was not “loyal” since the day of meeting him for the first time. But all of the sudden it’s a day of importance when I buy concert tickets? Anyway…I told him hey he’s actually performing in a nearby city a week before and I know you and I will be out there so maybe I can just go to that one instead so we can still spend our anniversary together but that way I’m not canceling on my friend. And all he keeps saying is “honestly you just keep trying to juggle your single life and your relationship and it’s gonna turn out really bad so just forget it. Just go to the concert. We may end up not working out eventually because here I am trying to build a life for us and you’re just worried about having fun with your friends.” Am I acting single by having a separate life and doing things with friends occasionally? I’m honestly curious, how do you juggle having a healthy relationship and doing things you enjoy outside of your partner?