I think I might be more sick than I thought
About 2 years ago my best friend, practically my genuine twin, was going to kill herself, I tried to talk her out of it but my mom made me hang up on her. We had a connections and always knew when the other is hurting, one day that connection severed and I knew she was gone. But as ive come to be less dissociated I started to look back on our last msgs, and the messages were contradicting the story I knew, so I may have been delusional, in fact its likely shes not dead, instead her condition could have worsened and she changed, many other things could have happened, but my mind and I were convinced she was dead. Ive caught myself in a delusion, and now I dont know if my rape really happened, it was by my bio fathers gf, and just completely forgot it, but after getting assaulted slightly by a similar looking woman, memories resurfaced, my break down now has a reason, and it explains all my things with sleep, physical sensory issues, and stuff of the sorts, but its also possible that all of that is from sensory processing disorder (label for my brain problems) and the coplete memory loss is from ignoring the emotions I held towards my bio father for constantly abandoning me, I ignore the anger and sadness and kept letting him in, and now that I ignored it all, I have severe memory loss
I dont know if I ever went through all of the things I claim to have survived, have I really just been feeding a delusion as my schizotypical worsens, am I really OK, i dont know what to believe because nothing lines up that I have claimed, maybe the memory of who raped me is fake and im just crazy, I just dont know anymore, I should institutionalize myself so I dont lose it anymore than I already have, or just give me a place to break and let me rot.
Ive forgotten my original point but I dont care to reread this, I just wanted to speak