Idk how to start this story, so I’m currently 24 and i was in a long term relationship, we broke up recently.
We were pretty close and have done lot of stuff except for sex (like oral and everything but no penetration) so like 2 years into the relationship i wanted to do something special, booked a hotel room for us and while going there i suggested if we should get some condoms, he said no to it as he didn’t want to have sex because of his own personal reasons and i agreed to it but i asked this quite a few times to confirm because i was terrified of unprotected sex and he was v sure of himself.
Later we had lot of fun n stuff n then fell asleep pretty late, he was wearing his shorts n tshirt and i was wearing just a big tshirt and my undies. I was well asleep and suddenly in the middle of the night he climbed on top of me, half asleep, mumbling I’m gonna put it in. I woke up from my sleep and i could feel him on top of me trying to push my undies to the side, his shorts were sort of off. I got v scared mainly because of no condom🤡 and i was like no and tried to push him, he was still half asleep n mumbling trying to do it. I tried to push him, I’m tiny and he’s huge and i was trying to push and then things touched i got really scared n somehow i pushed him off. He then woke up ig i actually cant recall the rest at all but we sort of fell asleep and everything was normal n ok, we didn’t even address this and i also for some reason thought nothing much happened.
Later we broke up, i was discussing the events of the relationship with my friend where i told about this scenario and she was mortified and didn’t know how to reply and thats when the gravity of it sort of hit me🤡 and like idk…
Then like while having a chat with my ex i told him how this was wrong, for some reason he couldn’t see what was wrong and wouldn’t agree with me at all and said it was completely normal. Its been months since this conversation but like idk i keep going back to it. I cant sleep peacefully, i always sort of have my guard on even a little movement around me wakes me up immediately 👀
So um help please, am i to be blamed like because well like i did book the room and indicated of buying condoms n stuff and its not like we haven’t done other sexual stuff as well so like idk him not agreeing to it also made me sort of blame myself idk also was it really sa or just like a normal thing idk🙂 for context i was 21 when that happened and I’m still a virgin🙂