u/AvocadoGimp

I (22 f) think I may have accidentally given my boyfriend (22 M) of 5 years, genital herpes.

I’ve had HSV-1 since I was a child and I sometimes get cold sores occasionally. I’m usually very careful when I have an outbreak so my partner doesn’t get it, so that means no kissing, sex, or sharing cutlery, but this time there was a massive fuck up.

A few days ago, I developed what seemed like a cold sore on my lip, but I didn’t get the usual warning signs. The bump only lasted about two days before flattening and leaving a red mark. Since it no longer hurt or looked obvious, both my partner and I forgot about it while being intimate.

It wasn’t until after I went down on him for the second time that we both remembered, and my stomach dropped.

My boyfriend keeps reassuring me that he doesn’t hate me and that if it happens, it happens, but I still feel incredibly guilty and scared that I may have passed it on to him.

This happened two days ago, so we still haven’t been able to tell if he’s been infected yet. The waiting and not knowing if I’ve given my partner genital herpes is honestly killing me inside. I feel like I’ve been dropped into boiling water, and with every day that passes, the temperature just keeps rising.

I can’t stop thinking about it or replaying everything in my head. I know it wasn’t intentional, but the guilt is eating me alive. My boyfriend keeps reassuring me that he doesn’t blame me and that we’ll deal with it together if it happens, but I still feel horrible.

How is anyone supposed to cope with this? How am I supposed to cope with the possibility that I may have caused this?

I'm finally taking the first steps to quit my 10 year long laxative addiction. I'm going to be honest with a doctor and try to undo the damage I've done to my body.

My digestive system feels completely paralysed. It's either I purge all the food or take laxatives, otherwise, it feels like food just sits in my stomach for weeks until I take stimulants. I’ve been hospitalised so many times because of this addiction and I just can’t live like this no more.

It's not just the physical damage I want to fix, but the mental side too. I won't lie, my addiction has made me a compulsive liar and a horrible person. I can look the love of my life in the eyes and lie about my intake, lie about how many I take, even steal them when he's not looking. It kills me knowing how much he loves me and how hard he's been trying to help me stop, all while I keep giving in to my urges.

The main thing here is, I'm terrified. Deep down, l don't want to quit, I don't feel ready. Everything in my body is telling me not to stop. But I can't keep living like this.

How do I keep moving forward with this fear inside me, and how to I recover while battling the eating disorder that caused this?