AITAH for not taking a friend to a Renisanse fair with our group bc she wanted to dress inappropriately ?
Edit: I know Renaissance is spelled incorrectly. It won’t let me fix it. I know it’s annoying.
Hi everyone! I was hoping to get some insight. Throw away bc a lot of my friends follow my other account and I wanted an unbiased opinion.
Just for some context the people who were all going are all open minded. A few of us are LGBTQIA+, and overall non judgmental. Every year for the past 10 years, with the exception of Covid, we have gone to the Renisance fair. We go all out. A few of us have done lord of the rings inspired outfits, Disney princess, pirate, or historical accurate costumes over the years. Some of the men have dressed as Vikings, or knights, and some of the women have dressed as barmaids.
Overall we have done some fun and funky things, but I wouldn’t say it was too far from the overall theme.
Two of our friends let’s call them Maddy (35 f) and Alyssa (33f) have started bringing around a person they met through a Facebook group for new people in our area looking for people with similar interests. It’s a really great resource. Mind you we are all in our mid 30s to early 40s and this woman, who we will call Steph is 25. She’s nice but a few of us feel that she is young for our group. We are in different places in life. Most of us have kids ranging for 13 to toddlers. It’s not a huge deal, but half of the time she’s out with us it kind of feels like we’re babysitting. A few times she’s got either too drunk during a trivia night at a bar, or has been a bit inappropriate at drag brunches. She got kicked out of a brunch once for getting too handy with the performers. Overall it’s just shinnanigans for a younger crowd.
We have spoken to Maddy and Alyssa about it and they agree that we need to start putting up boundaries and maybe phasing her out of things or introducing her to people closer to her age. A few of us have younger siblings who would probably enjoy her overall. She nice, just not always for us.
On to the issue. This year we all made plans to go to the Renisance fair. This is the first year that my kids 12 F and 13 M are joining us as they have done some research and thought now that it was pretty cool. I talked to my group about it and they were thrilled. I have a van so I volunteered to take not only my kids but anyone else’s kids who want to come for a few hours then the adults could separate and I would take the kids home with me for a slumber party so the adults could have a child free night.
The dress code rules at the fair are a bit relaxed but over all, it’s not overly sexual. Anyway, Steph had asked Maddy and Alyssa if they had planned to go as she’s seen advertising and thought it would be fun. Everyone was cool as if she came to hang with Maddy and Alyssa. If they wanted to separate and drink, we could continue our day with the kids if she came. Until Maddy got a text of her costume. Steph was going to wear a costume that she had apparently worn to a RF before. I was shocked. It was a leather cat mask with fuzzy ears, a corset, a skirt that was wayyyyyyy too short (think mini mini) thigh high fuzzy boots and a fuzzy tail. This was a costume that she would wear with a sex toy tail in the bedroom. Overall, not appropriate for a RF which is family friendly. Maddy texted Steph to tell her that it was family friendly and there were kids with us. She had some costumes Steph could use that were still sexy, but much more appropriate. Think sexy barmaid ect. Steph refused. She said she had worn the outfit before and she would wear it again and that it wasn’t a big deal. Her argument is that she’s seen people dress as a Chesire cat before and that’s what she had been before. Okay, cool, but the costumes I have seen were nothing like that.
Now look if she was going to wear it to say PRIDE I wouldn’t think twice, but a RF? Not knowing what more to do Maddy asked me to speak with Steph since I don’t really beat around the bush. I called her and told her that she couldn’t come with us if that’s what she planned to wear. She didn’t drive and one of us would have to pick her up so she wouldn’t be getting into any of our cars in that outfit. We have kids with us this year and the RF in our area probably wouldn’t let her in since they do have rules. Relaxed rules but rules non the less. She started calling me “group mom” and insisted it wasn’t a big deal. I was firm. She said I didn’t own the RF and she will see us there. We warned her that if she arrived like that we wouldn’t hang out with her. There’s a time and place for her outfit and it wasn’t at the RF.
Well she showed and tried to get in line with us and we told her to please respect us. She wasn’t allowed to enter. She threw a huge fit and asked Maddy and Alyssa if they could drive her to their place (30 minutes away) so she could change and come back. They said no. She got an uber and left. Not before sending me a massive text about what a bitch I was for turning everyone against her among other nasty things. She even accused me of being homophobic (I am demisexual). She seemed to take it out on me though everyone had spoken up. I was just the one to call and be clear. Everyone else said things to her when she arrived or beat around the bush like the other two.
Anyway, am I the asshole?
Update: well kinda.
So, I posted this last night and checked the updates about an hour ago. I really appreciate everyone’s input. Yes this is real. My neighbor friend and I took a walk to get coffee and we read and discussed the feed back.
He said that my complaint is actually not uncommon. He used to go to “family friendly cosplay” events with his partner and kids but stopped bc people were wearing costumes that more aligned with kink culture (no kink shaming, it’s just an observation) than were in line with the theme. Also bar maid is a common costume at a RF so shocker if that suggestion was common or aligned with a similar story. This is mine and to reiterate, yes this happened.
Anyway at coffee I aired my frustration. My neighbor friend, Joe, and I had a bit of a bitch fest about time and place. We feel that the lines have really been blurred between cosplay and kink. He said that he has seen tik toks about how a lot of Rfs have started cracking down on costumes. He suggested, and I agreed to actually have a conversation with the people who keep bringing Steph around. He and I agree that they are the real issue in this, as they are co-signing her behavior by not condemning it and leaving it to me or other friends to be the bad guy. If I am stepping in when they are struggling with boundaries then I am not letting them grow. I plan on having a conversation with them either tonight or tomorrow and be very firm that if they plan on bringing anyone who is disrespectful around us then I’m out. I know the other parents in the group will probably follow suite, but Joe is right. Those two are adults and I don’t need to hold their hand or be their guard dog. I will let you all know if anything happens that’s significant. Have a happy day
Update: I know this is only like 5 hours from my last update but I wanted to let those who gave me great advice an update. So as I said in the comments, I sent a kind but firm message to Alyssa and Maddy ending our friendship. They hung out with Steph on Monday and as many of you pointed out they were enabling her behavior by not speaking up, BUT I was enabling them by not holding my friends accountable for that. It fell into the type of people who are “well they haven’t done anything bad to me” type of saga and I’m not about it. I read your comments, and took all NTA and YTA comments to heart. I have a tendency to get myself into trauma bond relationships which I have worked on, being single and enjoying platonic relationships has really helped but I let those trauma bond issues leak into friendships and I was really blinded by my love for my friends. I hope they grow, but as pointed out, I need to grow too and not involve myself with people who are okay with that behavior. Thanks again everyone and have a happy afternoon/ evening/ night ect.