The topic came up when I was telling my husband 35M about a dream I 29F had about him watching a woman dance at a stripclub. I even told him we had a fight about it in our dream. I thought he understood that it was a bad dream for me. I don’t even know why I mentioned this to him. It opened the door to a fight. Context we have been together for about 3.5 years now.
I was expecting him to have some reassurance that he would never do that but he went ahead and asked me “so if I got invited by a group of friends to go the the strip club would you allow me?”
I was pretty shocked about the question because I thought that my distaste for the dream and our relationship boundaries were pretty clear. We’ve had talks before about similar things and it always seems like he understood him having any sexual encounter with another party makes me uncomfortable. I don’t appreciate things like your SO pointing out how hot a celebrity or your SO checking out attractive people in public while you’re right next to them. I don’t do those things by choice to respect my relationship. Or if I have thoughts of it I just keep them to myself and try to remain respectful.
I’m not clueless that he will find other people attractive or have curiosities I won’t be on board with, he has a human right to. But how he chooses to react around me is where my standards come in.
Which is why I was shocked he even asked me that question. I of course said I wouldn’t be comfortable with that and I immediately followed with “the only reason guys go to strip clubs is to look at the girls there, not to actually have a “wholesome” hangout”. Then he followed immediately with “that’s the point”. I was pretty taken aback of his bluntness. I initially thought he was asking if it would be okay to go because he would just go for a boys night not to gawk at the women.
Is it just me or is this a lack of common decency? I know having certain expectations in a marriage like thinking your partner will always say the right thing to you is wrong but this one stung.
I would say I’m a reasonable person but when things like this happen I’m never been able to figure out if it is insecurity or if people have just not had common decency.
I got really upset after this and cried and yelled at him (I’m not proud of that). Recently we’ve also been dealing with his daughter and my stepdaughter not wanting to come to the house anymore because she’s growing into a teen now and processing the reality of her parent’s divorce. He’s been so depressed and I feel like I’ve been doing everything that I can to take care of his feelings and make sure he’s okay. We’ve been working as a team to try to feel better. Which is why I expected (again with the expectations) a humble response, not this.
We talked about it for a bit and he explained that years ago when his brother had a bachelor party he missed out on it because of his partner at the time not wanting him to go.
It sounds like he was projecting that fight/situation onto our conversation. It makes sense because of the first question he asked, “if a group of friends asked me to go…”. It still doesn’t make me feel any better because he views it as a loss rather than a good thing done to protect his relationship/partner.
It was a boundary for a significant other and he didn’t seem okay with giving up the experience. It looks like he just didn’t go to avoid conflict with her but didn’t come to terms with the reason it was uncomfortable for her. He might’ve wanted to be there because hey it’s his brother’s bachelor party I get it. But why can’t guys just have a regular party ? Why does it have to be surrounded by naked women?
And why do they expect us to be okay with that?
He said he never meant for it to upset me like this and didn’t really think before saying it. He said it’s something that he doesn’t even think about. That may well be true but how do I process my feelings now? I feel like I know too much and I don’t want to. It also clashes with my values and I’m basically seeing his as a less honorable man because of it. I’ve always seen my husband as a sweet respectful man but times like these make me think “he’s just a man it’s what they do” and I want to pull away from him and remain upset.and I also jump to the conclusion that “im not really a woman he loves or else he wouldn’t say this to me”. I’m not expecting him to never be interested in a sexual curiosity but I just don’t want it to be thrown into my face like that.
Even after we had our talk it seemed like he only partially understood the reason I lashed out so badly. I think he views it as “I have no choice but to deescalate” just like he did with his last SO.
In the middle of the fight I also asked him if he would be okay with me going to a male strip club. He circled around it by saying he wouldn’t stop me from having fun if I wanted to and couldn’t control what I did. I don’t even know what he was trying to prove because that wasn’t the point or the question. He eventually said no he wouldn’t be okay with it. So there’s a goddamn double standard for ya.
He said he would never go now that he knows how I feel about it. How do I accept that this was just a stupid awkward conversation and move on? How do I continue being a fair partner without pulling away and causing more issues? Should we talk about this in better detail? I feel like he would never understand that it was a stupid thing to say to a girl you love. He would just view it as “I can’t freely say what I want without upsetting her”. I want him to be able to talk to me but at least have respect for my feelings. And honestly certain things are just not for your partner’s ears.