u/Available_Pass_9729

i have been struggling and suffering from the pain of this since i was a child more than a decade ago. i just can't do it anymore. i never knew i had it because my parents didn't tell me and i had to find out myself after reading a medical document from a while ago, i don't know why my parents never told me. it started with excoriation disorder. i still have that. it's nonstop even when i bleed so much. i've always been hoarding random things all the time, unnecessarily, and having mental illnesses other than OCD doesn't exactly help. i've always had a habit of excessive reassurance seeking which i never realized was because of OCD and that i needed help, until it was too late. i've realized a while ago that the reason it's never made me feel better is because of what i have. no amount of reassurance will make me feel better. i hate myself so much all the time and it's hard to survive with this horrible condition. i always feel annoying and like a burden and too much to deal with by all my friends. i've gotten my friends and my favorite person/friend I'm way too obsessed with annoyed with me asking for reassurance so much without meaning to. and i also have some sort of disgust and freak out and have a mental breakdown whenever i see something slightly disgusting or hear something slightly disgusting, or touch something gross at all. it ruins me entire day and i won't stop thinking about it. and i have constant taboo harmful intrusive thoughts all the time. it's always made me feel like a horrible person. it makes it hard for me to want to live. i've attempted something a few months ago, and ended up in the psych ward. and now i'm on a lot of medicine. and a lot of the time i feel false attraction and convince myself i like someone even if i don't in reality. because i know i've only been fixated on one person for two years. it's so annoying, i'm going to ERP soon, i'm really hoping it won't be too expensive. this is so unfair. i'm also unemployed and haven't been in college in a while and have never graduated past high school. and it doesn't help i'm almost 26 and live in the usa, so idk if anything will happen that makes it impossible for me to get social security benefits, i don't even have a drivers license, i feel so pathetic and useless. i've never experienced true love. it feels like im going insane more and more everyday. it's just constant rumination. i wish this was just a coma i could wake up from. i've lost a long term friendship of 8 years because of this going untreated. i just wish i didn't exist. this is so unfair. i want all of this to just go away. i wish i knew someone who understands. i've been trying to recently sit with my thoughts with at least my favorite person when i'm paranoid. it's so hard not to excessively text him. i wish the pain would end. i just dropped my airpod in my urinated toilet todayand it made me have a mental breakdown and i freaked out. i didn't even wanna eat breakfast. i kept washing my hands for so long. and i had to use gloves to take my medicine because of how much i feel disgusted, i also have a habit of ritualistic talking, i keep repeating the same things over and over again, but that might be because i also have ASD. i was diagnosed with that as a kid. anyways. that's all.