u/AttyOnebott

Saw a sticker pack of you today. I keep convincing myself I'm close to moving on but I fear I will always carry the pain of having love and lost you. In some form. First loves have a way of getting you to throw your heart out and love fully and unguardedly and I'm just so sad thinking I won't fall in love the same way again.

I still want to be your greatest love. I've grown and changed but I need to evolve further to earn your love again. But you're closed off now and I'm afraid its forever. I need to move on. Losing you is the most painful thing I've had to endure. I'm close but there are relapse days.

It's a funeral. You're dead and gone. And the dead can't keep rising from the grave. I have to accept that and most days I have. I just really fucking miss you today.

I hope you're happy.

But today, I felt the need to write you one up again. I've been doing so well, in all the ways that matter. I have so many kwentos that I'd love for you to hear, one in particular that I know will blow your mind - but you're not around anymore. And I don't even know if you'll ever get the chance to hear these kwentos.

I show up better now. As a friend, a son, a professional, an officemate - everything. My hyperfixating mind has learned to finally look outward and face life's responsibilities head-on. My scientifically inclined mind won over my trial-and-error self - instead of stumbling through life, I live my days with structure now, I approach things methodically and with confidence. I've come such a long way, and I really wish you could see. But I know you stopped giving a f*ck already. And I should too - I'm trying.

It's just such a heavy feeling knowing I've become the person you needed me to be - and more - after you left. Fuck me, man. Fumbling my first love.

I guess it's okay. Nothing more character building than a heartbreak, they say. Universe, ikaw na bahala. Pagtagpuin mo sana kami. Pero kung hindi na, okay lang. I'm just happy I'm growing into the man I needed to be for myself. I've learned to love myself again. It's a journey but I'm here for every step.