I (28F) am in a relationship with my partner (29M) for 4 years in an open relationship, and I have developed a deep connection with someone else (25M). I feel fulfilled but out of sync, and I don't know if I should rethink my conception of love or if I'm with the wrong partner.
O and me
I'm in a relationship with O, my boyfriend (29M), for 4 years now, and I need to know if he's the man of my life. I'm approaching my thirties and I'm quite lost because I'd feel like I've failed if I've built something (having children primarily, and then celebrating our love through marriage) and it didn't work out. I also have the feeling, both rational and unpleasant, that I will soon be less desirable, and that the window of opportunity is closing to just a few years, given that I want kids. I'm afraid of the vicious cycle: being less physically attractive, if I had to start over with someone else, would also make me less psychologically attractive, since pragmatism and urgency are not qualities that appeal to men.
Everything is going wonderfully with my boyfriend, who matches me perfectly in almost every aspect of my life. We live together and love spending time together, we communicate well about everyday organization, we bought a nice apartment, and we share the same tastes in decoration, we are interested in the same topics and have similar lifestyle habits and preferences (vacations, gastronomy, leisure). I find him attractive and I believe it's mutual. We share the same values, the same life goals, and a generally converging epistemological approach. There is just one important thing that hasn't been as natural: I have a strong internet culture, unlike him. I identify with a network of references and a sophisticated humor that he doesn't often share.
An equation with three variables
At the beginning of our relationship, we agreed to an open relationship by default, but during the first two and a half years, we felt no desire to see other people. I experienced fleeting attractions, and so did he, but nothing strong enough to push us to act. Around the third year, I met E in an online science club (25 years old, he was 23 at the time), and we became very close very quickly, ending up seeing each other every weekend. He shares the same internet culture and a way of thinking similar to mine; I feel that we understand each other in a deep and rare way. He is exceptionally intelligent and teaches me a lot. My boyfriend gave me permission to sleep with him, and he himself spent a night with a girl. At first, I thought it was a natural desire to want other people after three years, and I expected that the intensity of my feelings for O would fade over time. It has, but not completely. Two years later, we are still very close – like best friends who sleep together once a month. I absolutely don't see myself in a romantic relationship with E: he's someone very independent with whom it would probably be impossible to live daily, and we have very different lifestyles. He also rejects the idea of couple life (he is probably autistic and he wasn't interested in girls or sex before me). E would prefer not to share me with my boyfriend, but he would find it even more bothersome to lose all contact with me. O would prefer that I be less close to E, but he finds it even more bothersome to deprive me of him. For my part, I don't like that two important people in my life have conflicting aspirations, and it’s uncomfortable to feel that the situation is slightly stressful for both. But it would be even harder for me to give up either one. We are all three independent, rational, and analytical by nature.
Fulfilled but out of sync
After more than two years, I feel fulfilled but out of sync. I don't know if this situation simply reveals that neither of them is the ideal person for me, or if it's a less imperfect situation than most, a situation that works in balance and simply forces me to let go of the idea of perfect and absolute love.
I hope this message will be received kindly. I have a hard time discussing it with those around me; I often face value judgments or advice that say more about the person giving them than about my situation. Thank you in advance if you take the time to share an analysis or a personal testimony that speaks to you.