(Crosspost) Background Context: I was diagnosed with OCD, as well as a plethora of other things. I’m currently unmedicated as I have decided to try and manage it through proper routine and cognitive techniques.
At the moment, I like to consider myself a really reasonable and straightforward person. If there’s something I dislike, I am not concerned sharing it especially if it relates to personal boundaries. But I am also the type of person who dislikes being a broken record on things I’ve already made clear multiple times.
Right now, I have been in relationship after relationship where my boundaries of “Don’t touch my face or hair after you touch public gym equipment/public transit poles” or “Please be careful and don’t ruin my makeup” etc etc has often been forgotten or blatantly ignored. Especially with having my
makeup smeared on purpose, my face and hair touched after public equipment use. I am starting to grow a resentment as I am losing comfort spending time around my partner in public anymore, expecting that i’ll be touched in ways that will discomfort me, trigger my OCD or cause unwanted eczema that could’ve easily been avoided. It’s a constant mental balancing act of staying relaxed or internally crashing out on repeating myself. And as always, many of the reasons I would be touched is because “I can’t help it,” or “I just love you so much.” I feel like an asshole having the frustration that I feel. Yet i’m holding in how upset I am, and just patiently repeating my desires of not being touched in those ways.
Don’t get me wrong, I love physical affection. As much as I love my partner, it has gotten to a point where I feel ignored in my needs with my small requests. He’s a loving individual, but I am unsure why my requests are being ignored.
Today, something small happened involving the boundaries, and I felt so angry. I immediately felt tears well up in my eyes. I was ready to leave but I didn’t. I didn’t lash out or argue because I dislike emotional volatility / explosiveness.
The reason why I am making this post is that I also understand the side of playfulness and physical affection. Especially when you really love someone, sometimes you can’t help yourself. I understand that, but I can’t seem to adjust or find comfort in being touched in ways that explicitly go against my requests. This would have to be the third or fourth relationship I’ve had this problem despite communicating the severity of my discomforts. I don’t know if I am the asshole and this is normal, or if I am justified. Or maybe I need better psychological techniques to handle my OCD diagnosis.
TLDR: Getting touched in ways that trigger OCD. Happens a lot in my relationships so I’m unsure if I am unjust in my sadness and anger. Also unsure how to bring it up again without sounding like a broken record.