Dahan dahan
Hi. Just wanted to share a phase in my life, but I’ll tell it by how it ended. Have you ever been in a situation where deep down, you already know the relationship is going to end? That happened to me.
I already knew we were going to end. I was just in denial. During the last week of that month, I felt like something was really off. You know that feeling when you’re with someone, but somehow they already feel so far away from you? Maybe it was gut feeling, and it was a strong one.
Then the first week of the following month, I found out on my own because I had to. I didn’t want to keep living with that heavy feeling in my chest. I found out I was being cheated on again. I kept all the evidence.
I was completely shattered. For a moment, I honestly felt like I lost myself. I was so, so shocked.
At that point, I already knew we were going to end, and I started planning very carefully how I wanted it to happen because I didn’t want the relationship to end without you knowing that I already knew the truth. I wanted to have the last say. Part of me also wanted to break your ego.
So while I was quietly planning everything, I was also savoring every moment we had left. I memorized everything — how your place smelled, the food we ate, that feeling that we were still together.
I didn’t act differently. I stayed sweet, thoughtful, loving. I still cooked and did all the usual things.
But one thing I really couldn’t fake anymore was being my usual jolly self. I just couldn’t do it. Do you know how much emotional containment that took from me? To stay calm, to stop myself from breaking down, and to make sure you wouldn’t notice my eyes? Enormous. Honestly, I bet you couldn’t even do what I did.
The following week, I knew this is really heading to a breakup. All I did was wait and observe when you’d finally say the words that would end everything.
And then you finally did.
All of a sudden, you started acting like an asshole. And I remember telling myself, “This is it. It’s finally happening, and I can’t avoid it anymore.”
So, I met the people I needed to meet, talked to the people I needed to talk to before seeing you. I had to gather every evidence and every information before I faced you. I prepared very carefully.
And then I came to meet you. The breakup was messy, but I already said everything I needed to say.
After the breakup, something in my chest lifted. Because honestly, I spent so much time mentally and emotionally preparing myself for the possibility that this would completely destroy me. I thought maybe I’d lose myself. Maybe moving on would be had again. I kept praying and praying.
But the shocking part was, after everything, the devastated feeling I expected never came.
What came instead was silence. Calmness.
I didn’t feel longing. I didn’t feel like there was something left unsaid or undone. Nothing. And honestly, that’s what surprised me the most — the aftermath.
You underestimated me there - of how calm I could be while carrying the truth, the lies, burden.
I bet I’m the person you’d rather never bring up to your friends or to anyone. I know you don’t want to remember me or what happened because I became the guilt you’re trying to run away from. I know I’m the person who will remind you of the version of yourself you’re too ashamed to admit existed. I know this guilt and shame will stay with you for the rest of your life.
And honestly, that alone makes me feel good. I prayed for Him to show me what I needed to see, and He really did show me.