frustrated with myself, I sometimes come across differently than I intend
I feel like sometimes my fiancé doesn't understand me. I will be really focused on doing a task, confused, trying to figure something out, like when him and I are working on something technical together. Basically whenever my thinking side is really turned on. He will ask "are you upset with me" and I'll say "no, I'm just trying to figure this out" (not snapping because I try extra hard to not snap, but more like sighing to regulate myself before speaking and still being confused as I speak, or I'll be a bit tense) but he still takes it as if I'm upset with him. Then he starts acting different and frustrated with me and I'll ask him a question like "why not install this part first" (I try to ask as plain as possible as if nothing wrong ever happened to avoid inflating feelings on both sides, like just trying to move past the previous moment) and he'll explain it to me in a kind of nasty voice as if I'm a stupid coworker or something and it hurts me. I tried to tell him this but he just said he doesn't see me that way and it's because of how I spoke and it just turns into a negative feedback loop, then he'll say "I'm sorry, but you need to watch how you come across" and I just feel at a loss. and why all the blame on me? I would appreciate if he listened to me when I said I'm not frustrated with him, I'm just problem-solving a task. I put so much mental effort into trying to regulate my tone but I feel like I can never win and when I mess up I'm a villain. I hate mentioning my autism in the discussion because I don't want to seem like I'm excusing away my behavior, I'm not. I just feel like no matter what I do my tone doesn't come across, I can't express my feelings how I want to, and then my feelings somehow get out when I shouldn't let them. and I tried to explain this to him and he just tells me "it's not autism, it's you not knowing how you're coming off" but I try really hard and I feel like it always comes back to bite sometimes.
Another example is sometimes I will say a joke and he will take offense to it when I thought it was clear I was joking... like he will say a joke and I'll say what I thought was a mirrored, "equal" joke back, but when I do it, it's wrong even though I try really hard to make it clear I was joking and just messing with him. I'll be chill and laugh at his joke and be perfectly fine with them too so I thought it was clear it's not me trying to be spiteful and "get back at him" or anything. I got bullied a lot growing up and I know how it feels to be made small, the subject of genuine mean "jokes", etc so I try my best to be mindful of that when joking with people, especially him, but I guess I'm not doing good enough sometimes and it makes me feel powerless to my own emotions and self.
This is all just a total mess of feelings. I'm tired right now so that doesn't help. I know I'm at least partly the problem. He says I need to work on thinking about how I come across and I just feel like I try so hard but never succeed. I feel like my best option is to just not say anything and speak as little as possible and I have to remember that. sorry for rambling and sucking at explaining things.