I was SA'd around January by my boyfriend at the time, and while it has taken me a while to process whether or not this incident was even SA in the first place, I've finally learned to accept that even within a relationship where consent stuff can get dubious especially since relationships can blur the lines, what happened to me was sexual assault. I subsequently broke up with him the next month for that and a variety of reasons.
I'm currently in college, and honestly the whole ordeal occured right into midterm season. I had too much shit to do, and frankly, trying to process a breakup or my SA was not on my mind at the time. I thought I had gotten over it. I reacted calmly. I felt like I was normal about it. I never reported it as I am a sophomore and he was a senior, so frankly he was going to leave anyways. He felt awful about the whole incident, but it doesn't change the fact that it happened, but a part of me still feels guilty. I never reported him because I felt that us breaking up was enough of a consequence. We live in the same house that has leadership, and I've talked to them and I know they're on my side, but frankly the semester is soon to end and I feel like theres no point. He's graduating, and I would gain nothing from reporting it. What's done is done.
And now I've finally been freed from the shackles of midterms, with finals looming not too far ahead. And for some reason, I'm a wreck. I'm angry, depressed, a variety of emotions that I expected at the time, not now. I feel disrespected, I feel hurt, and all in all I don't know what to do. Parts of me feel horrible because I feel like it wasn't ever SA because I usually let stuff in that relationship like that happen. But another part of me feels vindictive, and angry at myself for letting it happen in the first place. I feel this looming sense of despair like I'll never get over it.
I think the worst part about the whole matter is the fact that I still actively live with him. We live essentially in the same house, and its not even an apartment complex. Its a house. I see him every day, eating lunch or dinner, when I'm upset or had a long day I see him. Earlier today, I was feeling upset and needed to chill in the library that my house has (its a huge house thats essentially like a frat house) and he was there. I hate seeing him, it disgusts me, but hes also so incredibly pathetic that it makes me sad. He has essentially self isolated and barely hangs out with anyone, and though I haven't told that many people about the incident, those who know choose to stop affiliating with him in general. A part of me feels guilty, as socially ousting him was not my intention, but a part of me feels happy people are taking my side. But either way, no matter what happens throughout the day, I go home and I am reminded of him, and the incident. I was SA'd here. My assaulter lives here. I'm moving out and I know I should hold strong for the next few weeks while I'm here, but I feel absolutely pathetic. I don;t know what to do.
Its been a few months since the incident, and I'm a wreck. I don't know what to do, who to turn to, or anything. It feels too late for anything.