Hey Dad, I think the cancer is back
My doctor sent my blood work out to a second lab for another test and said nothing is confirmed yet, but I know what they say about secondary locations. I texted you yesterday but you never responded, just sent some money and left me on read. It’s helpful, because I haven’t been able to work. I still can’t pay rent, but I rather figure it out somehow than ask you.
You didn’t visit me at all the first time I had cancer. You didn’t even call. Four texts in 8 months. I know you said it’s because you don’t want to drive into the city but I moved closer to you so maybe you’d want to see me more. It’s only a 30 min drive now, opposed to the hour before. New Jersey to New York, I thought it would be easy. But you still aren’t visiting, and you still aren’t calling or texting. You send me pictures when you go visit my cousins in states hours away, sometimes cross country, the cousins you don’t want to know me because I remind you of my mother. You send me pictures of the family events I don’t get invited to. I don’t think I’ve ever felt like I belonged in a family. I dont think Ive felt like I’ve belonged anywhere at all.
I still tell everyone you’re my hero. I still talk about you all the time. I tell people that you always used to tell me to go off the path on our hikes, so we could see the real magic, and that’s how I look at life now. I recall the food we’d eat, the trips, the excitement you’d have to see me. I think you really did love me once. I wish you could love me now, because I’m scared. I haven’t spoken to mom in 2 years, I kept working even though I was sick and I’m gonna start working again as soon as the tests are done sick or not. And I have a 3.8 GPA, even with all the appointments! I’m not weak, I can push through. I can be someone you would be proud of. I’m gonna beat this again if I have to, and then you can say your daughter is a two time cancer survivor! Im not gonna give up on you, Dad.
I know this sub is generally not to write to your actual Dad, but I needed to get it out. Im stuck at home with nothing but my grievances. Thank you for giving me a space to let it go.